Narcissists are experts at keeping people hooked. They know exactly how to make you crave their approval while never quite giving it to you.

The key to their tactics? Control. A narcissist will use subtle (and not-so-subtle) psychological tricks to keep you emotionally invested, questioning yourself, and always chasing their validation.

But once you recognize these behaviors for what they are, you can break free from their grip.

Here are ten things narcissists do to keep you desperate for their approval, according to psychology.

1) They love-bomb you—then take it away

At first, a narcissist will make you feel like the most important person in the world. They’ll shower you with compliments, attention, and affection. This is called love bombing, and it’s designed to get you hooked.

But once they know you’re emotionally invested, everything changes. The compliments stop. The affection fades. And suddenly, you’re left wondering what you did wrong.

Psychologist B.F. Skinner’s research on intermittent reinforcement explains why this is so powerful. When rewards (like love and approval) are given unpredictably, people become even more desperate to earn them.

As Skinner put it, “A behavior followed by a reinforcing stimulus results in an increased probability of that behavior occurring in the future.”

In other words, a narcissist knows that if they give and take away their approval at random, you’ll work even harder to get it back.

2) They make you doubt yourself

I used to think I was a confident person—until I spent enough time around a narcissist. At first, they seemed supportive, even encouraging. But little by little, they made me question everything I thought I knew.

“Are you sure that’s what happened?” they’d ask when I recalled a conversation. Or “You’re being too sensitive” after they said something hurtful.

Eventually, I started second-guessing myself constantly. Was I overreacting? Was I misremembering things?

This is called gaslighting, and it’s one of the most insidious tactics narcissists use.

Psychologist Robin Stern, who wrote “The Gaslight Effect“, explains it perfectly: “Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality.”

And that’s exactly what happened to me. By making me doubt my own thoughts and feelings, the narcissist made sure I relied on them for the truth.

It took me a long time to realize that the real truth was this: I was never the problem.

3) They give you just enough to keep you hooked

The worst part about being caught in a narcissist’s web is that they never treat you badly enough to make leaving easy. Just when you’re ready to walk away, they suddenly become kind again.

They apologize, they promise to change, they remind you of the good times. And for a moment, you believe them.

I can’t count how many times I told myself, “Maybe this time will be different.” But it never was. The cycle would always repeat—pain, confusion, then just enough warmth to make me stay.

Psychologist Leon Festinger’s theory of “cognitive dissonance” explains why this is so hard to escape. When our experiences don’t match our beliefs (like when someone we love also hurts us), we struggle to make sense of it.

As Festinger put it, “A man with a conviction is a hard man to change.”

Once we’ve invested in someone, we don’t want to believe they’re bad for us. And that’s exactly what a narcissist counts on. They don’t need to treat you well all the time—just enough to keep you hoping they will.

4) They turn your strengths against you

Narcissists are skilled at finding what makes you you—and then using it against you.

If you’re kind, they’ll call you too naive. If you’re ambitious, they’ll accuse you of caring too much about success. If you’re emotionally aware, they’ll say you’re too sensitive.

I remember once feeling proud of how empathetic I was.

But the narcissist in my life twisted that into a flaw. “You always take things so personally,” they’d say. Slowly, I started seeing my empathy as a weakness instead of a strength.

Psychologist Carl Rogers believed that true growth happens when we feel accepted for who we are. He wrote, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

But narcissists don’t want you to accept yourself—they want you to doubt yourself. Because when you feel broken, you’re easier to control.

5) They make you feel special

It sounds strange, but one of the most powerful ways a narcissist keeps you hooked is by making you feel like you’re different from everyone else.

They’ll say things like, “No one understands me like you do.” Or, “You’re not like other people—I can actually trust you.”

At first, it feels amazing. You think you’ve earned a place in their inner world, that you’re special to them in a way no one else is.

But here’s the truth: this isn’t about intimacy. It’s about control.

A narcissist builds you up so they can make others seem lesser. They create an us vs. them dynamic, making you feel like the only person who truly gets them.

And once they’ve made you feel special, they know you’ll do anything to hold onto that feeling—even if it means ignoring all the red flags.

6) They keep you walking on eggshells

With a narcissist, you never know what will set them off. One day, they’re warm and charming. The next, they’re cold and distant—or worse, angry and cruel.

So you start adjusting yourself to avoid conflict. You carefully choose your words, second-guess your tone, and replay conversations in your head, wondering if you said something wrong.

Before you know it, you’re not being yourself anymore—you’re just trying to keep the peace.

When someone constantly shifts between kindness and cruelty, you learn to suppress your real thoughts and feelings just to avoid upsetting them.

And that’s exactly what the narcissist wants—because as long as you’re focused on keeping them happy, you won’t have time to realize how unhappy you are.

7) They rewrite history

I remember confronting the narcissist in my life about something hurtful they had said. I was sure of what had happened—I could still hear their words ringing in my head.

But instead of owning up to it, they smirked and said, “I never said that. You’re imagining things.”

And just like that, I started to doubt myself.

This is a classic narcissistic tactic—rewriting history to fit their narrative. If they hurt you, they’ll claim it never happened.

If they break a promise, they’ll insist you misunderstood. Over time, this can make you question your own memory and perception of reality.

Narcissists take advantage of this by constantly twisting past events until you no longer trust your own recollection.

And when you don’t trust yourself, you start relying on them to tell you what’s real—which is exactly what they want.

8) They punish you with silence

There’s nothing quite as painful as being completely ignored by someone you care about.

I remember the first time the narcissist in my life gave me the silent treatment.

One day, everything was fine. The next, they acted like I didn’t exist—no explanation, no response to my messages, just ice-cold indifference.

I spent days agonizing over what I had done wrong, replaying every conversation in my head, desperate to fix whatever mistake I had supposedly made.

That’s exactly why narcissists use this tactic—it puts all the power in their hands. By withdrawing their attention, they make you feel anxious and desperate for their approval again.

Psychologist John Gottman calls this “stonewalling“, and he describes it as one of the most destructive behaviors in relationships.

He explains, “Stonewalling is when one person withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and closing themselves off from the other.”

It’s not just avoidance—it’s emotional manipulation.

Because when someone makes you feel invisible, you’ll do anything to be seen again—even if it means tolerating their toxic behavior.

9) They act like the victim

You’d think a narcissist, with all their confidence and superiority, would never play the victim. But in reality, they do it all the time.

When you call them out on their behavior, they won’t take responsibility. Instead, they’ll turn the tables—suddenly, they are the wounded one.

They’ll say things like, “I can’t believe you would accuse me of that,” or “After everything I’ve done for you, this is how you treat me?”

And just like that, you find yourself comforting the very person who hurt you.

Psychologist Stephen Karpman identified this pattern in what he calls the “Drama Triangle“, where narcissists shift between playing the Persecutor, Rescuer, and Victim to manipulate others.

As Karpman explains, “The Victim’s stance is ‘Poor me!’” Narcissists use this to dodge accountability and make you feel guilty for ever questioning them.

And once they’ve convinced you that they’re the one suffering, you’ll forget why you were upset in the first place—keeping the cycle going.

10) They make you afraid to leave

I remember thinking about walking away so many times. But every time I got close, fear held me back.

Narcissists have a way of making you believe that leaving them would be a mistake. They’ll say things like, “No one else will ever care about you the way I do,” or “You’ll regret this—you don’t know how good you have it.”

Sometimes, they don’t even need words. The way they look at you, the way they withdraw just enough to make you feel small—it all sends the same message: You need me.

Psychologist Albert Bandura’s theory of “self-efficacy” explains why this works.

He wrote, “People who regard themselves as highly efficacious act, think, and feel differently from those who perceive themselves as inefficacious.”

Narcissists chip away at your confidence until you don’t believe you’re strong enough to leave.

But here’s what I eventually realized: the fear wasn’t proof that I needed them. It was proof of how much they had manipulated me. And once I saw that, I knew I had to go.