If you’ve ever argued with someone who has narcissistic tendencies, you might have noticed it’s often a frustrating and belittling experience.

A narcissist’s argument style can feel like a confusing roller-coaster, filled with unexpected put-downs and superior attitudes. Suddenly, you may find yourself feeling small or at fault, even when you’re not.

Narcissism is a recognized mental health diagnosis, not a personal choice. Each person with narcissistic tendencies may behave differently in arguments, which can add to the complexity of the situation.

However, as a psychologist, I can share seven common tactics that narcissists often use to belittle others during disagreements.

1) Twisting your words

One of the first things a narcissist might do in an argument is to twist your words. This is a typical form of narcissistic manipulation. They might take what you’ve said out of context, change its meaning, or use it as a weapon against you.

For instance, you might express a concern about something they’ve done. Instead of addressing your concern, they might accuse you of attacking them or being overly sensitive. This can leave you feeling confused and guilty, questioning the validity of your feelings and perspectives.

This tactic serves to belittle you and make your arguments seem insignificant or irrational. In turn, this can make you second-guess yourself and even feel bad for bringing up the issue in the first place.

It’s a way for the narcissist to gain control over the conversation and divert attention away from their actions.

2) Agreeing with you

In an unexpected twist, a narcissist might suddenly start agreeing with everything you’re saying in the midst of an argument. This might seem like a positive step toward resolution, but it’s often another manipulation tactic.

Instead of genuinely acknowledging your points, they may over-agree, turning it into a mockery or using it to dismiss the conversation entirely. They might say things like “Yes, you’re absolutely right, I’m the worst person ever,” or “Sure, everything is always my fault.”

While this tactic might seem confusing, it’s designed to make you feel unreasonable or overly critical. It also allows them to avoid any real responsibility or meaningful discussion about the issue at hand.

Recognizing this maneuver can help you keep the focus on resolving the issue constructively rather than getting sidetracked by their insincere agreement.

3) Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a common tactic used by narcissists in arguments. They may deny that certain events occurred or that they said something that they actually did. This can cause you to question your own memory, perception, and sanity.

For example, they might insist, “I never said that,” or “you’re imagining things,” even when you’re certain of what you heard or experienced. This is a deliberate attempt to make you distrust your own recollections and perceptions.

The term ‘gaslighting’ originates from a 1938 play (and later a film), ‘Gas Light’, where a husband manipulates his wife into believing she’s going insane. This technique can be incredibly damaging and is considered a form of psychological abuse.

It’s important to remember that your experiences are valid and real, regardless of the narcissist’s attempts to distort them.

4) Playing the victim

In the midst of an argument, a narcissist may suddenly shift roles and start playing the victim. This can be disorienting and upsetting, as they turn the tables and paint themselves as the one being wronged.

They might say things like, “You always attack me,” or “I can’t do anything right in your eyes.” This isn’t about them genuinely feeling hurt, but rather an attempt to divert blame and elicit sympathy.

It’s tough when someone you care about portrays themselves as a victim when you’re trying to address an issue. It’s okay to feel compassion for their feelings, but remember it’s also important that your concerns are heard and addressed.

Navigating such situations can be challenging. Stand firm in your perspective and remind yourself that everyone has a right to express their feelings and concerns in a relationship.

5) Using personal information against you

An argument with a narcissist can often take a personal turn. They may use personal information or past mistakes you’ve shared with them against you in an attempt to win the argument.

For instance, if you’ve previously confided about a mistake you made at work, they might bring it up to undermine your judgement or credibility.

Statements like “Remember when you messed up at work? You’re not exactly perfect either,” are designed to make you feel defensive and divert from the actual topic.

It’s shocking and hurtful when intimate details are used as ammunition in a heated moment.

Most of us have experienced this at some point, and it’s important to remember that using personal information against you in an argument is not a reflection of your worth, but rather a manipulative tactic to gain the upper hand.

6) Dismissing your feelings

In an argument, a narcissist might completely dismiss your feelings. Your hurt or frustration might be met with indifference or even contempt, leaving you feeling unheard and invalidated.

For instance, imagine a situation where you’re upset because they’ve forgotten an important date. Instead of acknowledging your feelings, they might respond with, “Why are you making such a big deal out of it? You’re always so sensitive.”

This dismissal not only invalidates your feelings, but also shifts the blame onto you for feeling upset in the first place.

It’s deeply unsettling when your emotions are brushed off in this manner. It’s key to remember that your feelings are valid and deserving of respect, regardless of how the narcissist chooses to react.

7) Refusing to take responsibility

Narcissists are notorious for their inability to take responsibility in an argument. They might dodge, deflect, and deny, doing anything but acknowledging their part in the issue.

You might hear phrases like, “It wasn’t my fault,” or “You’re blowing this out of proportion.” They might even turn it around and blame you for their actions. This refusal to take responsibility can leave you feeling frustrated and unfairly burdened with the entire blame.

Here’s the hard truth: You can’t force someone to take responsibility for their actions if they’re unwilling to do so. However, you can control your reactions and maintain your sense of self-respect.

Don’t shoulder the blame for conflicts that aren’t yours to own. You deserve a relationship where mutual accountability is a given, not a struggle.

Conclusion

At the end of the day, the most important thing to remember when dealing with a narcissist is your own worth. You deserve respect, understanding, and genuine communication in any argument or discussion.

Navigating an argument with a narcissist can be challenging and emotionally draining. This article is aimed at helping you recognize the common tactics used to belittle and manipulate, but ultimately, how you handle these situations is up to you.

Remember, your worth isn’t determined by someone else’s inability to value you correctly.

Engaging in constructive dialogue is never a waste of time, but it requires both parties to participate respectfully. Being truly wise means not allowing others to dictate your self-worth or invalidate your feelings.

Here’s to maintaining your self-respect, standing firm in your truth, and navigating your relationships with informed awareness and confidence!