Growing up, there are certain things you just accept as normal. Like how your parents never quite knew how to show affection, or the way hugs felt a little too stiff, a little too forced.

You didn’t question it then, it was just how things were. But now, as an adult, you have started to wonder if it was really ‘normal’.

It’s not always easy to spot the signs.

Some are subtle, creeping up on you over time until one day you realize – your childhood home was a place where affection felt awkward or absent.

You’ve tried to dismiss these feelings, rationalize them away.

Maybe your parents were just reserved, maybe they showed their love in different ways. But deep down, you know something was missing.

This is not about playing the blame game. Not about pointing fingers at anyone or trying to dredge up past hurts.

This is about understanding, about gaining insight into why you might struggle with intimacy or find it hard to express your feelings now.

Here are eight signs that might suggest you grew up in a home where affection felt awkward or absent.

And remember, recognizing these signs is not about dwelling on the past but rather using this understanding to shape a healthier and more emotionally fulfilling future.

1) Physical touch felt strange or unwelcome

Growing up in a home where affection is awkward or absent can manifest itself in different ways. One of the most obvious signs is a discomfort or unfamiliarity with physical touch.

Hugs might have been rare, reserved for special occasions or serious situations. Even then, they felt stiff, formal, almost devoid of the warmth and comfort they were supposed to provide.

Maybe you never quite knew how to respond when someone reached out for a hug, a pat on the back, or even just a friendly high-five. It was like your body didn’t understand the language of touch.

Now as an adult, you might find yourself shying away from physical affection. Not because you don’t want it, but because it feels…odd. Unfamiliar. Like a foreign language you never quite learned how to speak.

The thing is, physical touch is a fundamental part of human connection – it’s how we express care, comfort and love.

But if you grew up in a home where this was absent or awkward, it’s not surprising if you struggle with it now.

This doesn’t mean that you’re doomed to a life of stiff hugs and awkward pats on the back.

Recognizing this sign is the first step towards understanding and addressing your discomfort with physical touch.

2) Gestures of affection were met with resistance

Following on from physical touch, another clear sign of growing up in a less affectionate home is the resistance to gestures of affection. Not just physical ones, but emotional ones too.

I remember trying to give my dad a homemade Father’s Day card one year.

I’d spent hours on it, carefully coloring in each letter and drawing little pictures of us doing things together – fishing, playing catch, things I thought dads and kids did.

I was so proud of it, so excited to give it to him.

But when I handed it over, he just glanced at it and put it aside. “Thanks,” he said, then went back to reading his newspaper. My heart sank. I felt rejected, like my gesture of affection was unwanted.

As an adult, I realize that it wasn’t about me or my card. It was about him and his own discomfort with displays of affection.

But as a child, that moment left a lasting impression. It taught me that showing love was risky, that it could lead to rejection.

If you’ve had similar experiences where your attempts to express love or affection were met with resistance or indifference, this could be a sign that you grew up in a home where affection felt awkward or absent.

3) You struggled to express your emotions

Psychologist John Bowlby once said, “What cannot be verbally communicated will be communicated through behavior”.

This quote rings particularly true for those who grew up in homes where affection felt awkward or absent.

In such homes, talking about feelings was probably not encouraged or even actively discouraged. You might have learned early on to keep your emotions to yourself, to bottle them up rather than express them openly.

I experienced this first-hand. In my home, emotions were seen as a sign of weakness. Crying was discouraged, and expressing joy or excitement was often met with a dismissive “calm down.”

It was as if being emotional was something to be ashamed of.

As a result, I struggled to express my feelings – not just to my family, but to friends and romantic partners as well.

It took me years to unlearn this behavior and understand that it’s okay to feel and express emotions.

If you find it difficult to open up about your feelings, if expressing emotions feels uncomfortable or even scary, this could be another sign that you grew up in a home where affection felt awkward or absent.

It’s important to remember that our emotions are a part of who we are – they’re not something to be hidden away or ashamed of.

4) You often felt isolated or misunderstood

In a study published by the American Psychological Association, it was found that children who grow up in homes where affection is absent are more likely to feel isolated or misunderstood.

This is because affectionate behaviors like hugging, smiling, and words of praise help to build a sense of belonging and understanding.

In my own childhood, I often felt like an outsider in my own home. My parents were not unkind, but they were reserved, distant.

There was a lack of warmth, of connection. Discussions were often about practical matters – chores, schoolwork, schedules – rather than personal thoughts and feelings.

This created a sense of isolation, a feeling that I was somehow different, that I didn’t truly belong. It was like living in a house with strangers rather than a home with family.

If you often felt (or still feel) misunderstood or isolated in your family, this could be another sign that you grew up in a home where affection was awkward or absent.

It’s important to understand that this feeling of disconnect is not your fault – it’s a result of the environment you were raised in.

5) You developed a strong sense of self-reliance

A common thread among individuals who grew up in homes where affection was awkward or absent is a strong sense of self-reliance.

Often, this is born out of necessity – if you can’t rely on others for emotional support, you learn to depend on yourself.

From a young age, I found myself tackling problems on my own. If I was upset, I would retreat to my room and deal with it by myself rather than seek comfort from my parents.

This wasn’t because they were unavailable or uncaring; it was simply that emotional support wasn’t something that was offered or received in our home.

Over time, this self-reliance became a part of my identity. I prided myself on my independence, my ability to handle things on my own.

But it also meant that I struggled to ask for help when I needed it, even from those who were more than willing to provide it.

If you find that you often default to self-reliance, even in situations where help is available and warranted, this could be a sign that you grew up in a home where affection was awkward or absent.

While self-reliance is certainly a valuable trait, it’s also important to remember that we all need support sometimes – and that’s perfectly okay.

6) You have a hard time trusting others

As a result of growing up in an environment where affection was absent or awkward, you might have developed trust issues. It’s not as if you’re paranoid or suspicious of everyone you meet – far from it.

But, if you’re honest with yourself, you would admit that it takes a lot for you to fully trust someone.

In my case, I realized that my inability to trust easily was rooted in my childhood experiences. I grew up in a home where emotional vulnerability was not encouraged. We didn’t talk about our feelings or share our fears.

As a result, I learned to keep my guard up, to protect myself from potential emotional harm.

This coping mechanism served me well as a child.

But as an adult, it became a barrier that prevented me from forming deep, meaningful relationships. I was always holding back, always wary of letting someone in completely.

If you find it difficult to trust others, this could be another sign that you grew up in a home where affection felt awkward or absent.

Trust is fundamental to any relationship and learning to trust can be a significant step towards healing and building stronger connections with others.

7) You’re uncomfortable with praise or compliments

Another sign that you might have grown up in a home where affection was awkward or absent is if you’re uncomfortable with praise or compliments.

This discomfort usually stems from not being used to receiving positive reinforcement during your formative years.

I recall feeling awkward whenever someone complimented me.

It was as if I didn’t know how to accept praise, let alone believe it. I was more accustomed to criticism or simply not hearing much feedback at all.

At school, I would brush off compliments from teachers or friends, downplaying my achievements or redirecting the conversation.

As an adult, I realized this was a defense mechanism, a way to avoid feeling vulnerable or seen.

If you struggle to accept compliments or praise, minimizing your achievements or brushing them off, this could be another sign of growing up in a home where affection felt awkward or absent.

It’s important to understand that it’s okay to accept and even enjoy compliments – they are a recognition of your worth and accomplishments.

8) You’re searching for validation outside home

Perhaps one of the most telling signs that you grew up in a home where affection felt awkward or absent is if you find yourself constantly seeking validation outside of your family.

Growing up, I was always looking for approval, for someone to tell me that I was doing okay.

Whether it was my teachers, my friends, or even my colleagues later in life, I craved their validation. I wanted to know that I was good enough, that I was worthy of love and respect.

The thing is, this constant search for external validation often stems from not receiving enough of it at home.

If your family didn’t show you the affection and approval you needed as a child, it’s only natural that you would seek it elsewhere as an adult.

If you often find yourself seeking validation from others, this could be a clear sign that you grew up in a home where affection was awkward or absent.

It’s important to remember, though, that your worth is not determined by others’ approval – you are inherently valuable and deserving of love and respect.

Embracing the journey

Recognizing these signs may be a tough pill to swallow, but understanding is the first step towards healing.

It’s important to remember that your past does not define you. It has shaped you, yes, but it does not determine your future.

The reality is, growing up in a home where affection was awkward or absent can leave emotional scars.

But these scars do not make you any less deserving of love and connection. In fact, they can make you more empathetic and understanding of others who’ve had similar experiences.

Self-awareness is a powerful tool. By identifying these signs in your own life, you are already on the path to transformation.

It’s not about blaming or feeling sorry for yourself – it’s about acknowledging your past and using that knowledge to foster growth.

Recognize that it’s okay to feel vulnerable, to express your emotions. Understand that it’s okay to trust others and to rely on them.

Allow yourself to accept praise and validation without feeling uncomfortable or undeserving.

As Carl Rogers, a noted psychologist, once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

This journey of self-discovery and healing is your own. Take it one step at a time. Be patient with yourself and remember, growth happens in small increments.

You are not alone in this journey. Reach out for support when needed – whether it’s a trusted friend, a family member or a professional therapist.

There are resources available online too, such as articles and blogs that offer advice and support.

Above all else, remember that you are worthy of love and affection – from others and from yourself.

Embrace the journey with an open heart and mind, and watch as you blossom into a person that is authentically, unapologetically you.