There’s a thin line between genuine kindness and cunning manipulation.

It all boils down to intent. Real kindness comes from a place of selflessness, while manipulation is all about personal gain.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference, especially when someone is being nice to you. But fear not, psychology has some answers.

In this piece, we will reveal 8 signs that indicate someone might be only being nice to you for their own benefit.

So buckle up, we’re about to dive into the world of psychological manipulation and how you can spot it.

1) They’re always around when they need something

You know the type. They’re nowhere to be found when you could use a helping hand, but they appear out of thin air when they require a favor.

This is a classic sign of someone using niceness as a tool for personal gain.

These individuals use strategic interaction to further their own agendas.

They’re not interested in genuine relationships, but rather in what the relationship can do for them.

It’s important to spot this behavior early on, as it can lead to a one-sided relationship where you’re constantly giving, but rarely receiving.

Real kindness doesn’t come with strings attached. If someone is only nice when they need something, it’s worth questioning their motives.

2) They compliment you excessively

Ever had someone shower you with compliments out of the blue? Yeah, me too.

I once had a colleague, let’s call him Jack. Jack was always full of compliments for me.

At first, I thought he was just super friendly and appreciative. But then I noticed a pattern.

Whenever a project came up that Jack didn’t want to handle, suddenly the compliments would start flowing. “You’re so good at this”, “No one does it better than you”, that sort of thing.

And before I knew it, I found myself doing Jack’s work.

Psychology tells us that this is a common manipulation tactic.

People use flattery to lower your defenses and make you more amenable to their requests.

If someone’s complimenting you excessively, it might be time to ask yourself why.

3) They’re always playing the victim

In the world of psychology, there’s a term called “victim playing” or “damseling”.

It’s when someone consistently portrays themselves as a victim to gain sympathy or favor.

People who play the victim are experts at twisting situations and manipulating emotions.

They have a knack for making you feel sorry for them, which often leads you to go out of your way to help.

But here’s the kicker: Research shows that playing the victim is often a conscious choice.

In fact, studies have found that people who habitually play the victim tend to have higher levels of Machiavellianism, a personality trait associated with manipulation and deceit.

Whenever you see someone always seems to be in distress, it may be worth taking a closer look at their actions and motivations.

4) They rarely reciprocate your kindness

A genuine relationship thrives on balance. You do something nice for them, they do something nice for you. It’s a two-way street.

But what if you’re the only one doing the giving?

You might notice that they’re more than happy to accept your help, your time, or your resources, but when it’s their turn to return the favour, they’re suddenly too busy or conveniently forget.

This unbalanced dynamic is a strong indicator that someone might be using your kindness for personal gain.

Be cautious with people who take more than they give.

It’s a sign that they might be in it for what they can get out of it, rather than a genuine interest in you or the relationship.

5) They only show interest when others are watching

Ever noticed how some people act differently when there’s an audience? They suddenly become extra nice, extra helpful, and extra interested in you.

It’s a painful realization when you discover that someone’s kindness towards you is more about how they want to be perceived by others, rather than genuine care or interest.

According to psychology, this is a form of impression management.

They’re trying to create a positive image of themselves and unfortunately, you’re part of their strategy.

True kindness doesn’t need an audience. It comes from the heart and is consistent regardless of who’s watching.

6) They’re quick to remind you of past favors

I used to have a friend who never let me forget about that one time she helped me move apartments.

Anytime she needed something, she’d bring it up, as if I owed her a lifetime of favors in return.

This is a common tactic used by people who are nice for personal gain.

They keep score of every little favor and are quick to remind you of their ‘kindness’.

In psychology, this is known as ‘reciprocity’, the idea that we are obligated to return favors.

But genuine kindness isn’t transactional. It doesn’t come with an expectation of payback.

When you notice someone is constantly reminding you of past favors, it’s a sign that their niceness might come with a hidden agenda.

7) They seem to know just what you want to hear

Some people have a knack for always knowing the right thing to say. They echo your opinions, agree with your ideas and never seem to challenge you.

On the surface, this can feel flattering and create a false sense of closeness. But psychology warns us that this could be a sign of manipulation.

This tactic, known as ‘mirroring’, is often used by people who are being nice for personal gain.

They mirror your thoughts and feelings to win your trust and influence your decisions.

If someone’s always singing your tune, it might be worth asking yourself if they’re playing their own song or just mimicking yours for their benefit.

8) They disappear when you’re in need

Here’s the ultimate test. When you’re going through a tough time and could really use some support, are they there for you?

Or do they vanish, only to reappear when they need something?

People who are only nice for personal gain will often be absent when it’s their turn to give.

Their kindness is conditional, based on what they can get out of it.

If you notice someone is nowhere to be found when you need them, it’s a clear sign that their niceness may be self-serving.

Genuine kindness doesn’t disappear when things get tough; it steps up.

Final thoughts: It’s all about balance

At the end of the day, we’re all humans navigating the complexities of social interactions.

Sure, we all have our moments of self-interest.

But there’s a stark difference between occasional self-centeredness and a consistent pattern of using kindness for personal gain.

Genuine kindness is selfless and unconditional. It doesn’t keep score, it doesn’t manipulate, and it certainly doesn’t disappear when things get tough.

If you’ve recognized some of these signs in your relationships, it might be time to reassess.

It’s important to surround yourself with people who value you for who you are, not what you can do for them.

In the words of Maya Angelou, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Let’s strive to make others feel valued and appreciated through our actions, not because we want something in return, but because it’s simply the right thing to do.