In the realm of social interactions, there’s a fine line between genuine kindness and concealed intentions.

While we all love to be on the receiving end of kindness, it’s crucial to be aware of the underlying motivations.

Sometimes, people aren’t as altruistic as they seem—they’re kind because they want something from you.

As an avid student of psychology—and someone who’s encountered a fair share of such scenarios—I’ve discovered there are certain signs that hint at this ulterior motive.

Here we are, diving into the seven signs that show how someone’s only being kind because they want something from you—all according to psychology!

This won’t just help you navigate your interpersonal relationships with a sharper eye, but also ensure that your exchanges with others are anchored in authenticity:

1) They’re always agreeable

You’ve heard of ‘Yes Men’, right?

They’re the ones who always agree with you, never challenge your ideas, and basically mirror all your thoughts—they’re the epitome of agreeability.

However, being too agreeable is often a sign that someone has an ulterior motive for their kindness.

If you find that a person never contradicts you, never debates, and generally goes along with everything you say, it could be an indication that they’re trying to curry favor with you—in other words, they want something from you.

Famous psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.”

Genuine interactions involve mutual learning and growth, which often means disagreeing and challenging each other’s perspectives.

2) Their kindness fluctuates

Have you ever noticed how some people’s kindness seems to come and go like the tide?

One minute they’re showering you with compliments and attention, the next they’re barely acknowledging your existence.

I remember a time when I was working on a project with a colleague who was incredibly warm and friendly—at first.

Over time, however, I noticed that this warmth only surfaced when they needed my assistance or input.

Once the project was completed, their kindness evaporated as quickly as it had appeared.

Recognizing these fluctuations in behavior can help us understand the true intentions of others and adjust our interactions accordingly.

3) They only show up when they need something

Does this sound familiar? A friend who only calls or texts when they need a favor?

They’re all smiles and kindness when they need you, but once their need is fulfilled, they practically disappear until the next time.

I’ll be brutally honest here. This is not friendship, nor is it genuine kindness.

It’s manipulation masquerading as kindness; it’s a clear sign that the person’s being nice to you only because they want something from you, not because they genuinely care about you or your well-being.

Remember what renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud said, “Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise.”

It’s essential to recognize these situations for what they are and set boundaries that protect your time and emotional energy.

4) They never reciprocate your kindness

Reciprocity is a fundamental aspect of human relationships.

When we do something nice for someone, it’s natural to expect that they would do the same for us in time. But what if they don’t?

When a person’s acts of kindness are one-sided and not reciprocated, it could signify that they’re using kindness as a tool to get something from you.

People who feel obligated to reciprocate acts of kindness are more likely to feel manipulated when those acts are not returned.

This suggests that if someone is continually kind to you without ever returning the favor, they may be doing so with ulterior motives.

5) They often play the victim

We’ve all encountered people who always seem to be in the middle of a crisis.

They’re constantly dealing with one problem or another, and they’re always turning to you for help.

I had a neighbor like this once.

It seemed like every week, they had a new problem that only I could solve.

While it’s important to help others, it’s also crucial to recognize when someone is continually playing the victim to manipulate you into doing what they want.

Psychologist Albert Bandura once said, “In order to succeed, people need a sense of self-efficacy, to struggle together with resilience to meet the inevitable obstacles and inequities of life.”

If someone constantly presents themselves as a victim, they’re not showing resilience—they’re using their issues to manipulate your kindness for their benefit.

6) They often flatter you

Who doesn’t like a compliment, right? But there’s a difference between sincere praise and flattery designed to get something from you.

It sounds counterintuitive because we often associate compliments with kindness.

However, excessive or unearned praise can be a red flag.

If someone is constantly flattering you, particularly in situations where it feels unwarranted or out of context, it might be because they want something from you.

While we may know compliments and flattery as positive interactions, it’s important to view them through a different lens when they’re used excessively and inappropriately.

Always remember that genuine kindness doesn’t need a constant stream of flattery to be validated.

Be wary of those who use it as a tool for manipulation.

7) Their generosity has strings attached

When someone’s kindness or generosity always comes with conditions or expectations, that’s a clear red flag.

They’re not being kind for kindness’ sake—they’re being kind because they want something in return.

As psychologist Wayne Dyer once said, “Our intention creates our reality.”

If someone’s intention behind their kindness is to gain something, their reality is manipulation, not genuine kindness.

Remember, true generosity and kindness are selfless acts without expectations of reciprocation.

Final thoughts

Understanding the motives behind people’s actions can be a complex and challenging task.

However, recognizing these seven signs can provide a clearer picture of whether someone is being kind because they genuinely care, or because they want something from you.

This realization doesn’t mean you should stop trusting people or become cynical about kindness.

Rather, it equips you with the knowledge to navigate your relationships more consciously, ensuring that they are built on mutual respect, authenticity, and genuine kindness.

As you move forward, remember that it’s okay to set boundaries and protect your emotional well-being.

Recognize the signs, trust your intuition, and nurture relationships that bring reciprocal value and joy into your life.