There’s a stark contrast between how some people present themselves in public and how they truly behave in private.

This discrepancy often boils down to one key factor – authenticity. Some individuals excel at presenting a kind, considerate facade to the world, while behind closed doors, their true colors show.

These people typically exhibit a set of behaviors that hint at their dual nature. And for those of us who want to identify such individuals, there are certain signs to look out for.

Here are seven behaviors that people who are kind in public but mean in private often display.

1) Sudden change in demeanor

One of the most noticeable signs of someone who is kind in public but mean behind closed doors is the sudden shift in their demeanor.

In public settings, these individuals are often the epitome of charm and grace. They’re the ones who are always smiling, engaging in pleasant conversation, and generally being the life of the party.

However, once they’re out of the public eye, you might notice a stark transformation. The smile fades, the tone becomes harsher, and the warm persona quickly dissipates.

This drastic change can be quite jarring and is usually a significant indicator that their public kindness might not be as genuine as it seems.

Remember, consistency is key when it comes to authenticity. If someone’s behavior varies drastically based on their audience, it’s a sign that they might be wearing a mask in public.

2) Lack of empathy in private conversations

Let me share a personal example. I once had a coworker, let’s call her Jane. Jane was adored by everyone at the office. She was always ready with a kind word or a compliment, and she never failed to make people feel special.

But when it was just the two of us, things changed. I remember one particular instance when I confided in her about a personal issue I was dealing with.

Instead of the support and understanding I was expecting, Jane dismissed my concerns and quickly changed the subject to something that interested her.

This lack of empathy and unwillingness to engage in genuine personal conversations is often a telltale sign of people who are kind in public but not so much behind closed doors. So keep an eye out for this behavior.

3) They gossip about others

People who are kind in public but mean in private often have a tendency to gossip about others. It’s a way of asserting dominance or superiority in private while maintaining a friendly image in public.

According to a study published in the journal Nature, gossip can actually influence our perceptions and behavior more than we realize. This is because, as social beings, we tend to be heavily influenced by the shared opinions within our social circles.

So, if you notice that someone frequently talks about others behind their backs, especially in a negative or unkind way, it could be an indication that their public kindness may not extend beyond the surface.

4) They’re controlling in private

Another behavior that’s common among people who are kind in public but mean behind closed doors is that they tend to be controlling in private settings.

While they might appear agreeable and easygoing in public, behind closed doors, their need to control situations and people often comes to light. They may insist on having things done their way, disregard others’ opinions or needs, or become irritable when things don’t go as they planned.

This controlling behavior is usually a result of feeling insecure or threatened.

By controlling the situation, they are able to maintain a sense of security and superiority. So if you notice someone displaying this trait in private, it could be a sign that their public kindness is more of a facade.

5) They don’t offer help when it’s not visible to others

I remember a time when I was moving houses. It was a stressful process, and I needed all the help I could get. A friend of mine, who was always the first to volunteer for community service and public events, assured me he’d be there to lend a hand.

Yet, when moving day came, he was nowhere to be found. His phone went straight to voicemail, and he didn’t respond to my messages. He showed up a few days later, full of apologies and excuses.

This experience made me realize that some people are only willing to help when it benefits their image. They want their acts of kindness to be visible to others, hence they’re more reluctant to offer assistance when it won’t be publicly acknowledged.

This is a classic behavior of individuals who display kindness in public but are different behind closed doors.

6) They are dismissive of your feelings

People who are kind in public but mean in private often show a dismissive attitude towards the feelings of others when they’re in private.

You may notice that they’re quick to downplay your emotions or make light of situations that you find distressing. They might make you feel like you’re overreacting or being overly sensitive.

This dismissiveness is often a means for them to assert dominance and maintain control.

It’s a clear sign that their public display of kindness is not a true reflection of their character and that they may not be as considerate or understanding as they appear to be in public settings.

7) Their kindness often comes with strings attached

The most telling behavior of people who are kind in public but mean behind closed doors is that their acts of kindness often come with strings attached.

These individuals typically use their kindness as a transactional tool. They do something nice, but there’s usually an expectation of something in return. It could be a favour, an obligation, or simply a means to hold something over your head in the future.

This conditional kindness is far from genuine. True kindness is given freely, without any expectations or hidden agendas.

So if you notice this behavior, it’s a strong sign that their public display of kindness might just be a cover for their less than kind private persona.

Final thoughts: It’s a matter of authenticity

The complex nature of human behavior often traces back to our innate desire for acceptance and affirmation.

In the case of people who are kind in public but mean behind closed doors, it boils down to a matter of authenticity.

Psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

These individuals might be donning a kind facade in public due to their struggle with self-acceptance.

This does not excuse their behavior, but it could offer some insight into their actions. It’s important to remember that genuine kindness isn’t conditional or selective. It doesn’t change based on the audience or setting.

As we navigate our relationships and interactions, let us strive to be authentic in our actions and consistent in our kindness. Not just for the benefit of others, but for our own peace and integrity as well.