Some people have a way with words. Others… not so much.

The truth is, emotional intelligence isn’t just about understanding how you feel—it’s also about being aware of how your words affect others. And sometimes, people say things that come across as insensitive without even realizing it.

The problem? These phrases can hurt relationships, damage trust, and make conversations more difficult than they need to be.

If you want to communicate with more empathy and avoid unintentional blunders, it helps to know what not to say. Here are some surprisingly common phrases that people lacking emotional intelligence use—without even noticing the impact.

1) “Calm down”

Telling someone to “calm down” almost never works the way you intend it to.

If someone is upset, frustrated, or angry, this phrase can come across as dismissive—like you’re minimizing their feelings instead of trying to understand them. Rather than helping, it often makes the other person even more irritated.

A better approach? Show empathy. Instead of telling them how they should feel, acknowledge what they’re going through: “I can see this is really frustrating for you. Do you want to talk about it?”

People don’t just want to be told to calm down—they want to feel heard.

2) “It’s not a big deal”

I used to say this phrase without thinking twice—until I saw how much damage it could do.

A friend once confided in me about a problem at work. She was clearly upset, but to me, it didn’t seem like that big of a deal. So, in an attempt to reassure her, I said, “It’s not a big deal. Don’t stress too much about it.”

Her face immediately changed. Instead of feeling comforted, she looked frustrated and shut down. That’s when I realized my mistake—I wasn’t actually listening. I was just brushing off her feelings because I didn’t see the problem the same way she did.

Since then, I’ve learned that minimizing someone’s experience doesn’t help. Instead of saying “It’s not a big deal,” I now try to say something like, “That sounds really tough. Do you want to talk more about it?”

Because even if something doesn’t seem like a big deal to me, it might be everything to them.

3) “You always… / You never…”

Sweeping statements like “You always forget to listen” or “You never consider my feelings” can put people on the defensive instantly.

Our brains are wired to resist absolutes. When someone hears “You always” or “You never,” their first instinct is often to think of exceptions—times when they did listen or did consider your feelings. Instead of hearing your point, they focus on proving you wrong.

A more effective way to express frustration is to focus on specific actions rather than making broad accusations. Try saying, “I felt unheard when I was talking earlier,” or “It hurt when my feelings weren’t considered in that decision.”

This shifts the conversation from blame to understanding—making it much more likely that the other person will actually listen.

4) “I’m just being honest”

Honesty is important, but using it as a shield for harsh words is a sign of low emotional intelligence.

People often say “I’m just being honest” after delivering criticism that’s unnecessarily blunt or hurtful. But honesty without tact isn’t helpful—it’s just an excuse to say something without considering how it affects the other person.

Being honest doesn’t mean disregarding kindness. Instead of using this phrase to justify harsh words, try framing your thoughts in a way that’s both truthful and considerate.

For example, instead of saying “That idea is terrible,” you could say, “I see where you’re coming from, but I think there might be a better approach.”

Honesty should clarify, not wound. When done right, it strengthens relationships instead of damaging them.

5) “That’s just how I am”

For a long time, I thought this phrase was a valid excuse. If I reacted a certain way or said something insensitive, I would brush it off with, “That’s just how I am.” I assumed people should accept it rather than expect me to change.

But over time, I realized what I was actually doing—using this phrase to avoid accountability. Instead of recognizing how my words or actions affected others, I was shutting down any opportunity for growth.

The truth is, emotional intelligence isn’t about staying the same—it’s about learning, adapting, and improving the way we communicate. Instead of saying “That’s just how I am,” it’s far more powerful to say, “I didn’t realize that hurt you. I’ll try to be more mindful next time.”

Because who we are isn’t set in stone. We all have the ability to grow.

6) “You’re too sensitive”

When someone expresses hurt or frustration, telling them “You’re too sensitive” dismisses their feelings instead of acknowledging them.

This phrase shifts the blame—it suggests that the problem isn’t what was said or done, but rather the other person’s reaction to it.

In reality, emotional intelligence means recognizing that people experience things differently, and just because something wouldn’t bother you doesn’t mean it’s not valid for someone else.

A better way to respond? Instead of shutting down their feelings, try asking, “I didn’t mean to upset you—can you help me understand how you’re feeling?” This keeps the conversation open and shows that you care about their perspective.

Dismissing someone’s emotions won’t make them go away. But listening and showing empathy can make all the difference.

7) “I’m sorry you feel that way”

This might sound like an apology, but it’s not.

Saying “I’m sorry you feel that way” avoids taking any real responsibility. It shifts the focus onto the other person’s emotions rather than addressing what caused them. Instead of acknowledging any wrongdoing, it subtly implies that their reaction is the issue—not your actions.

A real apology takes ownership. Instead of deflecting, try saying, “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” A simple change in wording can turn a dismissive statement into a meaningful step toward making things right.

Bottom line: words shape relationships

The way we communicate has a profound impact on the people around us. Words can build trust or break it, strengthen relationships or weaken them.

Research in psychology shows that emotionally intelligent people tend to foster stronger personal and professional connections. One reason? They’re mindful of how their words affect others. They don’t just focus on what they mean—they consider how their message is received.

A simple shift in language can change an entire conversation. Choosing empathy over dismissal, responsibility over deflection, and understanding over assumption can turn everyday interactions into opportunities for deeper connection.

Because in the end, the words we choose don’t just reflect who we are—they shape the relationships we build.