If your goal is to have a closer bond with your children as they get older, say goodbye to these 10 behaviors

Farley Ledgerwood by Farley Ledgerwood | June 17, 2025, 12:06 pm

There’s something no one really tells you about parenting: the goal isn’t just to raise good kids—it’s to build a relationship that lasts long after they leave the house.

I’ve seen too many parents focus so hard on getting their kids through school, into college, or out into the world that they forget to lay the foundation for a connection that carries into adulthood.

If you want to have a meaningful relationship with your kids when they’re grown—if you want them to actually want to spend time with you, not just feel obligated—there are a few habits that might need to go.

Let’s take a look.

1. Always needing to be right

This one’s a tough pill to swallow, especially if you’re the parent who’s spent years guiding, teaching, and (let’s be honest) correcting.

But the truth is, adult kids don’t want to feel like they’re still being parented. They want to feel like they’re being respected.

You can have a strong opinion—but if you always need to win the conversation, you’ll lose their trust over time.

I’ve mentioned this before, but one of the best things I ever learned was to say, “You could be right” instead of digging in. It opened more doors than any argument ever did.

2. Offering advice when they just want support

Not every conversation has to end in a lesson.

Sometimes, your grown kid just needs to vent. Or share something they’re unsure about. And what they want most in that moment isn’t your wisdom—it’s your presence.

I remember my daughter calling me, clearly upset about a job issue. I launched straight into solution mode. Midway through, she said, “Dad, I just needed you to listen.”

That stung a bit. But it was a wake-up call. Now, I ask first: “Do you want me to listen or help you brainstorm?”

It’s a small shift—but it makes all the difference.

3. Bringing up old mistakes

There’s a difference between learning from the past and living in it.

If you constantly remind your child of things they did wrong—even as a joke—it chips away at your closeness. It makes them feel like they’re being defined by their worst moments.

Let it go.

Your kid remembers that time they dropped out, broke the rules, or dated someone you didn’t like. You don’t need to keep replaying it.

What helps a relationship grow is being known for who you are now, not who you were then.

4. Trying to “fix” their life choices

They’re not kids anymore. They’re adults with their own lives, partners, jobs, and values.

You might not agree with how they spend their money, who they date, or how they raise their own kids—but if you try to steer the wheel too much, they’ll stop coming to you at all.

I had a good friend who nearly lost touch with his son over some parenting advice he kept pushing. It wasn’t malicious—he genuinely thought he was helping. But in doing so, he made his son feel judged instead of supported.

The result? Distance.

Sometimes, the best way to build closeness is to back off a bit.

5. Withholding affection or praise

Some parents think saying “I love you” too much will spoil their kids. Or that adult children don’t need to hear they’re doing a good job.

I’ve found the opposite to be true.

Everyone—no matter their age—wants to feel seen and appreciated. Tell them you’re proud. Tell them you admire how they handled something. Tell them you love the person they’ve become.

A little genuine praise goes a long way in keeping the emotional bridge open.

6. Keeping communication one-sided

If every conversation revolves around your updates, your opinions, your experiences—you’re not creating connection. You’re performing a monologue.

The parents who stay close to their kids into adulthood ask questions. They follow up. They remember details and check back in later.

I’ve noticed my relationship with my son got stronger once I stopped only giving updates and started asking more about his world. “How are you feeling about that?” became more common than “Let me tell you what I think.”

And you know what? He started opening up more.

7. Guilt-tripping or emotional manipulation

If you say things like, “You never call,” “I guess you’re too busy for your old dad,” or “I do so much for you and this is how you treat me,” you might be unintentionally building resentment.

Those comments might come from hurt—but they sound like control.

The parents who have strong bonds with their adult kids give them freedom, not guilt. They make their kids want to show up—not because they feel obligated, but because they feel loved.

8. Expecting to be their only support system

It’s natural to want to be close. But don’t expect your adult children to make you the center of their emotional world.

They have friends, partners, mentors—and that’s healthy.

Trying to be their only confidant, therapist, or advisor can become overwhelming for both of you.

The parents who maintain closeness over time respect boundaries. They don’t take it personally when their kids turn to others for support. They’re just happy to be part of the circle.

9. Resisting change in the relationship

As your child grows, your role shifts.

You’re no longer the authority figure—you’re the trusted elder, the sounding board, the person they can lean on when life gets tough.

If you try to hold onto your old parenting style too tightly, it’ll create friction.

But if you evolve with them—if you learn to be a little more like a friend while still offering your wisdom when asked—your bond can deepen in ways you never expected.

10. Neglecting your own personal growth

Here’s something I didn’t realize until I was well into retirement: the more I focused on my own well-being—mentally, physically, emotionally—the better my relationship became with my kids.

When you’re fulfilled, balanced, and engaged with life, your kids don’t feel like they have to be your source of meaning.

I’ve mentioned this in another post, but taking up writing, joining a book club, and spending more time outdoors with my dog Lottie didn’t just help me—it helped me show up better for my family.

Kids—at any age—respect parents who keep growing.

Final thoughts

If your goal is to have a stronger bond with your kids as they get older, don’t wait for them to change. Start with your own habits.

Ask yourself: Am I making space for them to be who they are now? Am I connecting—or correcting? Am I creating warmth or walking on old scripts?

Because the closeness you want isn’t built in grand gestures. It’s built in how you speak, how you listen, and how you let go of the old dynamic so something new—and maybe even better—can take its place.

So what’s one small habit you’re ready to say goodbye to today?