It’s easy to think that love is enough. That if you raise your kids right, the relationship will just take care of itself over time.

But as I’ve learned—both as a father and now a grandfather—staying close to your kids as they grow older takes intention.

It takes knowing when to let go, when to step in, and when to get out of your own way.

And sometimes, it takes unlearning habits that slowly push them away.

Let’s get into the behaviors that can quietly fracture the connection—and what to do instead.

1. Offering advice before listening

Most of us mean well.

But when your adult child shares something vulnerable, and your first instinct is to jump in with a solution, they don’t feel heard—they feel managed.

I’ve mentioned this before, but one of the biggest shifts I had to make was learning to ask, “Do you want my take, or do you just want me to listen?”

It’s a small thing. But it tells them they’re safe to be open without being fixed.

2. Making them feel guilty for growing up

When your child starts spending holidays elsewhere or doesn’t call as often, it’s tempting to say things like:

• “I guess you’re too busy for me now.”

• “You used to call more.”

These guilt-laced comments don’t bring them closer. They make connection feel like a chore.

You want them to call because they want to—not because they feel bad if they don’t.

3. Treating them like they’re still a child

I had a hard time with this one when my oldest turned thirty.

She was running a team at work, raising a toddler, and still—I caught myself reminding her to put air in her tires.

She looked at me and said, “Dad, I’ve got this.”

And she did.

That moment taught me something: the more you treat your adult children with respect, the more they want to keep you in their world.

4. Showing up only when there’s a problem

If your calls and texts only come when something’s wrong, don’t be surprised if they stop answering as eagerly.

Being a parent means being a consistent presence, not just a firefighter.

Celebrate the good stuff. Send a message just to say, “Thinking of you.”

Relationships grow when they’re watered regularly—not just during emergencies.

5. Holding on to past mistakes

When your child messes up, they already know. They don’t need to be reminded five years later.

Bringing up old failures—or using them as examples in every disagreement—tells them you’re keeping score.

Let go. Give them space to grow without fearing you’ll drag the past back into the present.

I learned this the hard way.

My son once backed out of college during his second semester. At the time, I was furious. Said things I shouldn’t have. Accused him of being careless, ungrateful.

Years passed, and he found his path. Built a career in a different field. Became someone I was proud of.

But every now and then, in conversations that had nothing to do with school, I’d make a comment. Something like, “Well, you’ve always had a way of quitting things early.”

One day, he cut me off mid-sentence. Not angry—just tired.

He said, “Dad, I know I disappointed you. But if you still see me as that kid who dropped out, I don’t think you really see me at all.”

That hit me.

Since then, I’ve made it a point to speak to the man he is now—not the boy I once judged.

Because if you want a close bond, you can’t keep dragging the past between you. You have to make room for who they’re becoming.

6. Overstepping with their kids

This is a big one for grandparents.

I remember one afternoon when my daughter asked me not to give her son sweets before dinner. I nodded, then five minutes later handed him a cookie.

She didn’t raise her voice—but the disappointment in her eyes hit hard.

Later that night, I called her and apologized. I told her I wasn’t trying to undermine her—I just hadn’t taken her seriously.

She forgave me, but I could tell it had bruised something.

That moment taught me: respecting your adult child’s parenting is one of the best ways to stay close to them.

7. Expecting them to handle your emotions

As we get older, it’s easy to lean on our kids in ways they didn’t sign up for.

Sharing is one thing. But if you find yourself venting about your health, your loneliness, or your disappointments constantly—it can quietly become a burden.

They love you. But they also need space to live their own lives without feeling emotionally responsible for yours.

8. Comparing them to siblings or other people’s kids

Whether it’s “Your brother always calls” or “Your cousin just bought a house,” comparisons create quiet resentment.

Every child has their own path. And feeling like they’re being measured against someone else pushes them further away.

What they need is support for their journey—not a reminder of someone else’s.

9. Ignoring who they are now

There’s a point in every parent’s life where they realize: my child isn’t who I thought they’d be.

Maybe their values changed. Maybe their career took a turn. Maybe they came out, or left religion, or chose not to have kids.

Whatever the case, if you want to keep a close bond, you’ve got to embrace who they are—not who you imagined they’d become.

I have a friend whose daughter changed her name and pursued a career her parents didn’t understand. For a while, they pulled back.

But when they made peace with the fact that loving her meant accepting her, not shaping her—that’s when the relationship finally healed.

10. Expecting closeness without doing the work

Now I can’t pretend to have it all figured out, but I’ve learned this: relationships with your kids don’t maintain themselves.

I remember when my son hit his forties and we had a stretch where we barely spoke. Not out of conflict—just drift.

One morning, I sent him a message and asked if he wanted to meet for coffee. He wrote back, “I’d like that.”

We didn’t have a big heart-to-heart. We just talked about life, about football, about whatever.

But that one coffee turned into a monthly thing.

Sometimes the work is just showing up—even when it feels awkward.

Don’t assume they’ll come to you. Sometimes, they’re waiting for you to go first.

Final thought

Staying close to your kids as they grow up doesn’t mean hovering.

It means growing with them.

Letting go of the habits that once worked but now just get in the way.

So here’s a question worth asking:

Are you parenting the child you had—or building a relationship with the adult they’ve become?