7 behaviors that seem kind on the surface but are actually quite selfish

Lucas Graham by Lucas Graham | January 20, 2025, 10:58 pm

It’s a fine line between being kind and being selfish, often blurred by our actions.

We all know people who appear to be the embodiment of kindness, yet, their actions sometimes reveal a deeper, more self-serving motive.

These behaviors might look caring on the surface, but they’re often veiled attempts at serving one’s own interests.

It’s not always easy to spot, but I’ve pinpointed seven common behaviors that seem kind but are actually quite selfish.

Allow me to walk you through these subtle acts of selfishness disguised as kindness. Trust me, it’s an eye-opener.

1) Insistent on helping

Many times, we come across people who are adamant about offering their help, even when we don’t really need it.

These individuals appear to be the epitome of kindness, always ready to lend a hand. But have you ever paused to ask why they’re so eager to help?

More often than not, it’s not about you—it’s about them. They insist on helping to feel better about themselves, to be seen as the hero, or to assert some sort of control.

Sure, it may seem kind on the surface, but when the desire to help is driven by their needs and not yours, it veers into the territory of selfishness.

So next time someone insists on helping, take a moment to consider their true motivation. It might not be as altruistic as it seems at first glance.

2) Unsolicited advice

I remember a friend of mine who had a habit of offering advice even when it wasn’t asked for. She seemed to always have the perfect solution to every problem, and she was never shy about sharing her wisdom.

At first glance, this might seem like a kind act. After all, she was only trying to help, right?

However, as time went by, I started to notice that her unsolicited advice often served her more than anyone else. It allowed her to feel superior, knowledgeable, and in control.

Her advice wasn’t necessarily meant to solve my problems; it was a way for her to boost her own ego – a selfish behavior disguised as kindness.

Remember, true kindness listens first and advises only when asked.

3) Excessive generosity

Generosity is typically seen as a virtue. Yet, there’s an interesting psychological phenomenon known as ‘excessive giving’.

In some cases, people may shower others with gifts or favors not necessarily out of the goodness of their hearts, but as a means to gain power and control.

This form of excessive generosity can be used as a tool to create a sense of obligation in the recipient.

While the act of giving can certainly be kind, when it becomes a tactic to manipulate relationships, it transforms into a selfish behavior.

True kindness doesn’t come with strings attached or hidden agendas. It’s about being genuinely happy to give without expecting anything in return.

4) Overly polite

We all value politeness. It’s a social norm that fosters harmony and respect among individuals. But have you ever encountered someone who is excessively polite?

They’re always the first to say ‘please’, ‘thank you’, and ‘sorry’, even when it’s not necessary. It may seem like they’re just being super nice, but sometimes, there’s more to it.

Being overly polite can be a way for people to maintain a perfect image or hide their true feelings.

It can also be a manipulation tool – by being excessively polite, they can make others feel obliged to reciprocate with kindness or concessions.

So, if someone is too polite, it might not be out of kindness but a selfish desire to manipulate the situation to their benefit. Genuine kindness doesn’t require an act; it is sincere and comes from the heart.

5) Emotional martyrdom

Growing up, there was a person in my life who always seemed to be sacrificing their own happiness for others. They would constantly put themselves last, making a point to highlight their sacrifices.

On the surface, this looked like extreme selflessness. But over time, I realized it was a form of emotional martyrdom – a way of controlling situations and people through guilt.

This person was essentially saying, “Look how much I suffer for you.” It was a way for them to gain sympathy and attention, and to subtly manipulate others into feeling indebted to them.

Real kindness doesn’t involve keeping score or seeking recognition. It’s about doing good because it feels right, not because you want something in return.

6) False humility

Humility is a virtue admired by many. Yet, there are those who use it as a mask to hide their true selfish motives.

You’ve probably met someone who constantly downplays their achievements and refuses compliments, insisting they’re ‘nothing special’.

This false humility can seem like a kind-hearted gesture, but it’s often a manipulative tactic.

By appearing humble, they draw attention to themselves and their accomplishments. It’s a way of fishing for compliments and reassurance from others.

The trick is to recognize genuine humility from the fake. True humility doesn’t seek attention or validation from others; it’s about acknowledging one’s strengths and weaknesses without any need for external praise.

7) Using kindness as a weapon

The most manipulative behavior masked as kindness is when someone uses their ‘kind’ actions as a weapon.

They’ll do something nice, only to bring it up later as leverage or to make you feel guilty. This ‘kindness’ is nothing more than a strategy to manipulate and control others.

True kindness is unconditional; it doesn’t come with expectations or hidden agendas. It exists for the simple pleasure of making someone else’s day a little bit better. And that, in essence, is the heart of genuine kindness.

Final thoughts: Unmasking the disguise

Peeling back the layers of human behaviors can be a complex process. What seems kind on the surface may, at times, be a mask for more selfish motivations.

The seven behaviors we’ve explored offer some insight into this hidden realm of intentions. They remind us that appearances can be deceptive, and kindness may not always stem from altruism.

In the words of William Shakespeare, “All that glitters is not gold.” This statement holds true when we consider the subtleties of human interactions.

It’s essential to remember that true kindness is selfless and unconditional. It’s about genuinely wanting to make a positive impact on someone’s life, without any hidden agendas or expectations in return.

As we navigate through life, let’s strive to cultivate authentic kindness, recognize the disguises of selfishness, and encourage genuine compassion in ourselves and others.

After all, every interaction is an opportunity for growth and understanding.