It’s one of the most complicated dances in life:

You’ve watched your kids grow up, morph from toddling cherubs into fully-fledged adults with lives of their own. You remember the days when you were their whole world, and now they’ve built worlds of their own.

You’ve tried to understand, tried to adapt to their new lives, their new perspectives. But sometimes, it feels like you’re speaking different languages.

Other times, it’s not even a big deal. You just get this nagging feeling that you’re not as connected as you used to be. Despite your heart wanting to engage, your mind or body might be saying otherwise.

Here’s how to know for sure that you’re doing all the right things to maintain a strong relationship with your adult children, even if it feels like you’re dancing in the dark.

These are the 8 behaviors of boomers who’ve managed to crack the code – those who have kept their bonds strong with their adult offspring, despite the changing tides of time and life.

1) Embrace the role change

One of the most significant challenges that come with your child turning into an adult is understanding that your role needs to evolve as well.

You’ve spent years being their provider, their protector, their guiding star. But now, they’re stepping out on their own, trying to make sense of the world through their own lenses.

This doesn’t mean you’re no longer needed. It’s just that your role has shifted from being a director to more of a supporter. You’re no longer in the driver’s seat, but you’re still very much in the car.

The boomers who manage to maintain strong relationships with their adult children are those who have learned to adapt and accept this role change.

They’ve realized that their kids now need them less for guidance and more for support – a safe space where they can come back to when life gets overwhelming.

It’s not about relinquishing control or becoming obsolete; it’s about letting them explore the world while knowing they always have a safe haven in you.

And in doing so, you’re giving your relationship the space it needs to grow and evolve along with your adult child’s life journey.

2) Learn to listen actively

This one is really close to my heart.

I remember when my daughter first started her job after college. She was excited and nervous, all at once. Everyday, she’d come home brimming with stories about her co-workers, the challenges she faced, and the little victories she won.

In the beginning, I found myself slipping into my old ‘parent mode.’ I’d hear her frustrations and immediately launch into problem-solving mode or start giving advice.

But then I noticed something – she wasn’t looking for solutions. She just needed a sounding board; someone to listen to her tales of the day.

That’s when I realized that one of the key behaviors we boomers need to adopt is active listening. We need to put our ‘fix-it’ mentality aside sometimes, and just be there for our children as a supportive listener.

Active listening means being fully present in the conversation, showing empathy, and providing feedback only when asked for it.

It doesn’t mean you’re passive; rather, you’re actively choosing to engage in a way that supports your adult child’s autonomy and decision-making skills.

I started doing this with my daughter – just listening, empathizing, and occasionally asking open-ended questions. The change was immediate and profound.

Our conversations became less tense, more meaningful. We grew closer, not because I was solving her problems, but because I was there with her as she worked through them herself.

So yes, being an active listener can make all the difference in fostering a strong relationship with your adult children. It’s about letting them know they’re heard and valued, no matter what life throws their way.

3) Foster mutual respect

There’s a quote by William Shakespeare that goes, “They do not love that do not show their love.”

This rings true in every relationship, but I think it holds a special significance when it comes to us boomers and our relationships with our adult children.

The way we show our love changes as our children grow up. It evolves from protective care and nurturing to fostering mutual respect.

In the context of maintaining strong relationships with our adult children, this means acknowledging their capabilities, respecting their decisions, and appreciating their individuality. Even if we don’t always agree with them.

Instead of trying to shape them into the mold we deem perfect, it’s about accepting them for who they are – with their strengths, weaknesses, quirks, and all.

It’s about creating an environment where they feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgement or rejection.

As Shakespeare said, we need to ‘show’ our love. And at this stage in our children’s lives, one of the best ways to do that is by fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect.

This not only strengthens our bond with them but also empowers them to navigate life with confidence and self-assurance.

4) Bridge the communication gap

In an era where technology is changing the way we communicate, it can sometimes feel like we’re struggling to keep up. But did you know that 67% of baby boomers use smartphones and 57% are on social media?

This means most of us are already equipped with the tools to connect with our adult children in ways that they’re accustomed to. We just need to make an effort to learn and adapt.

It’s about more than just learning how to send a text or post a picture on Facebook. It’s about understanding their world, their modes of communication, and making an effort to meet them halfway.

It’s about using these platforms not just to share, but also to listen – to understand their thoughts, their passions, and their worries.

Bridging this communication gap can help us connect with our adult children on a deeper level. It opens up new avenues for conversation and understanding.

And in the process, it helps us maintain strong relationships with them, despite the generational differences.

5) Be their cheerleader, not their coach

As our kids grow into adults, it’s natural for us to want to keep guiding them, to keep imparting wisdom. But there’s a subtle shift that needs to happen here.

Our role needs to evolve from being their coach to being their cheerleader.

What does this mean? It means aiding in their development without imposing our own expectations or agendas. It’s about supporting their dreams and aspirations, even if they don’t align with what we had initially envisioned for them.

When we step back from the coaching role, we give our adult children the space they need to grow, to make mistakes, and to learn from them. We provide them with the opportunity to build their confidence as they navigate through life’s challenges.

Transitioning from a coach to a cheerleader doesn’t mean we stop caring or stop guiding. It just means that we’re trusting our adult children with their lives, confident in the knowledge that we’ve equipped them well enough to make sound decisions.

And in this transition, we’re not just building their confidence and independence but also fostering a relationship based on mutual respect and trust.

6) Apologize when you’re wrong

Nobody is perfect, and that includes us boomers. There will be times when we make mistakes, when we misunderstand, or when we unintentionally hurt our adult children’s feelings.

During these times, it’s important to acknowledge our missteps and apologize sincerely. It’s not always easy to admit when we’re wrong, especially to our kids. But it’s crucial for maintaining a strong and healthy relationship with them.

Apologizing shows that we respect them and their feelings. It demonstrates that we value our relationship with them more than our ego. It also sets a positive example for them on how to handle mistakes and misunderstandings.

This isn’t about becoming subservient or losing face. It’s about acknowledging that we’re human and showing them that it’s okay to be wrong sometimes, as long as we’re willing to make amends and learn from our mistakes.

Over time, this builds a foundation of trust and understanding that can weather any storm and keep the relationship strong.

7) Show interest in their interests

From the latest technology to current social issues, our adult children’s interests might be far from what we’re used to.

But showing genuine interest in what they’re passionate about can go a long way in strengthening our relationship with them.

It’s not about pretending or forcing ourselves to like what they like. Instead, it’s about creating a space where they feel comfortable and excited to share their passions and interests with us.

We don’t have to become experts in their interests. We just need to be open, curious, and appreciative. Ask them questions, let them teach you something new, show enthusiasm when they share their achievements or ideas.

By doing this, we’re not just learning about their world—we’re showing them that we value their individuality and are keen to know them better as adults.

This can foster a deeper bond between us and our adult children, built on mutual respect and understanding.

8) Maintain your own identity

While nurturing our relationships with our adult children, it’s equally important to not lose sight of ourselves. Our lives shouldn’t solely revolve around our kids, no matter how much we love them.

Maintaining our own identity means continuing to cultivate our interests, pursue our passions and take care of our physical and mental health. It means having a life outside the context of being a parent.

This not only sets a healthy example for our children but also helps us stay content and fulfilled in our own lives. When we’re happy and balanced, we’re better equipped to build and maintain strong relationships with others, including our adult children.

Having your own identity also ensures that you’re bringing something fresh to the table each time you interact with your adult kids – new experiences, fresh perspectives, interesting stories.

After all, a relationship is a two-way street. Just as we expect our adult children to grow and evolve, we too should continue to learn, grow, and evolve as individuals.

This isn’t just about maintaining strong relationships with our adult children—it’s about leading fulfilling lives ourselves while doing so.

Final thoughts

Navigating the waters of maintaining a strong relationship with your adult children can seem daunting. But, remember, it’s a journey, not a destination.

These eight behaviors aren’t quick fixes – they’re habits that need to be nurtured and developed over time. They’re about building bridges of understanding, fostering mutual respect, and nurturing bonds of trust.

Is it going to be easy? Probably not. But is it going to be worth it? Absolutely.

As American author Maya Angelou once said, “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

In the context of our relationships with our adult children, this quote takes on a profound meaning. It’s not about what we say or do, but about how we make them feel.

So ask yourself, are you making your adult child feel heard, respected, and loved? Are you willing to evolve with them as they journey through life?

These are questions only you can answer.

In the end, maintaining a strong relationship with your adult children isn’t just about being a good parent. It’s about being a good listener, a good friend, and most importantly, a good human being.