Self-esteem is one of those tricky things.

When it’s high, we don’t think much about it. We just go about life with a quiet sense of worth. But when it’s low—well, that’s when things start to feel off.

And the funny thing is, a lot of the behaviors that signal low self-esteem don’t scream “Hey, look at me, I’m struggling!” They’re subtle. Sneaky. Easy to miss, especially in ourselves.

Over the years, I’ve seen it play out in all kinds of people—friends, family, even in myself at certain points. And more often than not, the person doing these things has no idea what’s really driving their behavior.

If any of these points hit a little close to home, don’t be too hard on yourself. Recognizing it is the first step toward building something better.

Let’s get into it.

1. You downplay your accomplishments

Ever received a compliment and brushed it off like it was no big deal?

People with low self-worth often have a hard time accepting praise. They’ll say things like, “Oh, it was nothing,” or “Anyone could’ve done it,” even when what they did took real effort.

I’ve seen this firsthand with a former coworker. She was one of the hardest-working people in the office, but every time someone recognized her, she’d change the subject or give credit to someone else. After a while, folks just stopped complimenting her altogether—not out of spite, but because they didn’t want to make her uncomfortable.

Owning your achievements doesn’t make you arrogant. It makes you honest.

2. You apologize for everything

This one hits close to home.

There was a stretch in my life when I was saying “sorry” so much it started to lose meaning. Sorry for speaking up. Sorry for asking questions. Sorry for being “too much.” I wasn’t aware of it until my wife pointed it out—gently, but firmly.

People with low self-esteem often feel like they’re constantly inconveniencing others just by existing. So they preemptively apologize to avoid conflict or rejection.

If you find yourself saying “sorry” for things that don’t warrant an apology, it might be worth asking where that reflex is coming from.

3. You compare yourself constantly

It doesn’t matter how well things are going—if you’re always measuring your life against someone else’s, it’s hard to feel satisfied.

Whether it’s someone’s career, appearance, relationship, or even their vacation photos, comparison has a way of making us feel small. Especially if we don’t think we measure up.

There’s an old quote I once read that stuck with me: “Comparison is the thief of joy.” And it’s true. It’s hard to celebrate your own progress when you’re staring at someone else’s highlight reel.

4. You struggle to make decisions

Even simple ones—what to wear, what to eat, whether to speak up in a meeting—can feel paralyzing.

Low self-esteem often makes us second-guess ourselves. We worry about making the wrong choice, disappointing someone, or looking foolish. So we hesitate. Or worse, we let someone else decide for us.

A friend of mine used to do this a lot when we’d go out to eat. He’d say, “You choose, I’ll eat whatever.” Every time. Eventually I realized it wasn’t about flexibility—it was about fear of choosing “wrong.”

Confidence grows with use. The more we practice making small choices, the easier it becomes to trust ourselves with the bigger ones.

5. You stay in relationships that don’t nourish you

I won’t pretend this one is easy.

Sometimes we stay in one-sided friendships or unhealthy romantic relationships because deep down, we don’t believe we deserve better. We accept crumbs of connection and convince ourselves it’s a feast.

I had a close friend who spent years in a relationship where she was constantly belittled. Every time I brought it up, she’d say things like, “It’s not that bad,” or “He’s just stressed lately.” But the truth was, she didn’t think she was worthy of kindness or respect.

People with healthy self-esteem know their worth—and they don’t beg for what they deserve.

6. You deflect attention away from yourself

Let’s say someone compliments your outfit, and you respond with, “Oh, this old thing?” Or you get recognized at work and quickly shift the spotlight onto your team.

Humility is one thing. But habitual deflection? That can be a sign you’re uncomfortable being seen.

It’s not vanity to let yourself be acknowledged. Sometimes, accepting positive attention is an act of courage.

7. You put everyone else’s needs above your own

This is often praised as selflessness, but there’s a fine line between generosity and self-erasure.

If you constantly prioritize others to the point of exhaustion—never saying no, never asking for help—it may be because deep down, you don’t believe your needs matter as much.

I had a phase like this right after I retired. I said yes to every request: babysitting, errands, volunteering. It wasn’t just busyness—it was avoidance. I didn’t know how to sit with myself, so I poured into others until I was burnt out.

True generosity comes from a full cup, not an empty one.

8. You obsess over what others think

One of the biggest giveaways of low self-worth is overthinking how others perceive you.

You replay conversations in your head. You analyze people’s reactions. You tailor your behavior to avoid criticism. It’s exhausting.

And the kicker? Most people aren’t thinking about us as much as we think they are.

I can’t tell you I have all the answers, but I’ve found some relief in learning to let go of what I can’t control. Not everyone will like me. Not everyone needs to. And that’s okay.

9. You avoid taking risks

Whether it’s applying for a better job, trying a new hobby, or expressing a strong opinion—people with low self-esteem tend to play it safe.

They fear failure. Rejection. Looking foolish.

But playing small to avoid disappointment is its own kind of prison. It keeps life comfortable but stagnant.

I once had a chance to give a short talk at a community event. Everything in me wanted to decline. But I said yes—and it was shaky, imperfect, and one of the most rewarding things I’ve done. Sometimes, pushing through fear is how we grow into ourselves.

10. You talk to yourself harshly

If you spoke to your friends the way you speak to yourself, would they still be your friends?

That voice in your head that says “You’re not good enough,” “You always mess things up,” “You’ll never get it right”—that’s not truth. That’s old programming.

A woman I used to work with started writing down every self-critical thought she had in a day. It shocked her. She realized she was speaking to herself in ways she’d never dream of speaking to someone else. That awareness became the first step in changing her inner dialogue.

Self-respect starts with self-talk.

Final thoughts

The habits we form often have deeper roots than we realize.

Low self-esteem doesn’t always look like sadness or silence. Sometimes, it looks like people-pleasing, indecision, perfectionism, or avoidance.

But here’s the good news: awareness creates space for change.

Which of these points made you pause?

And what would it look like to speak to yourself with more kindness starting today?