Loving yourself means treating yourself with kindness and respect, but not everyone does.

However, when we don’t genuinely love ourselves, we unconsciously develop habits that can be detrimental to our well-being, according to psychologists.

It’s Lachlan Brown here, founder of Hack Spirit and a passionate advocate for mindfulness and Buddhism. I’ve spent years studying how our daily habits reflect our relationship with ourselves.

And let me tell you, there are certain patterns that are telltale signs of a lack of self-love.

1) Self-criticism

We all have an internal dialogue. It’s that little voice inside our heads that comments on our actions, decisions, and experiences.

But for those who don’t genuinely love themselves, this internal dialogue often becomes self-critical.

Psychologists have found that a constant flow of negative self-talk is a common habit among people who lack self-love.

They tend to belittle their achievements, magnify their mistakes, and often perceive themselves as not good enough.

It’s like having a bully living inside your mind, constantly putting you down. And let me tell you from my years of mindfulness practice and studying Buddhism, it can be mentally and emotionally exhausting.

But here’s the good news: just as we can cultivate negative thoughts, we can also learn to foster positive ones. Mindfulness encourages us to observe our thoughts without judgment.

By becoming more aware of our self-critical thoughts, we can begin to challenge them and replace them with more compassionate and loving ones.

2) Neglecting self-care

One of the most apparent daily habits of people who don’t genuinely love themselves is the neglect of self-care.

This can manifest in various ways, such as skipping meals, lack of sleep, ignoring personal hygiene, or not taking time for relaxation.

In my own journey towards mindfulness and understanding Buddhism, I’ve learned that self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and indulgent treats.

It’s about respecting your body and mind enough to give them the care they deserve.

Thich Nhat Hanh, a renowned Buddhist monk and mindfulness expert once said:

“To meditate means to go home to yourself. Then you know how to take care of the things that are happening inside you, and you know how to take care of the things that happen around you.”

Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish — it’s essential. And it’s a vital step in cultivating genuine self-love. If you find yourself consistently neglecting your needs, take a pause and consider why that might be.

Recognize this pattern and take small steps towards better self-care. It could be as simple as ensuring you get enough sleep, eating nutritious food, or dedicating a few minutes each day to mindfulness practice.

3) Over-attachment to impermanence

Buddhism teaches us about the concept of impermanence – the idea that everything in life is fleeting and nothing remains constant.

But people who don’t genuinely love themselves often manifest a habit of clinging to these impermanent aspects of life.

It may be an obsession with physical appearance, a fixation on wealth or status, or an unhealthy attachment to relationships.

This habit stems from looking for validation and worth in external things that are temporary and ever-changing.

But here’s the raw truth: these transient things will never provide lasting self-love or happiness. They’re like shifting sands, unable to provide a firm foundation for self-worth.

In Buddhism, the wisdom of impermanence reminds us that true self-love comes from within. It cannot be found in external, fleeting aspects of life.

So if you find yourself overly attached to the impermanent, take a moment to reflect on why that is.

Are you seeking validation from these transient aspects? Genuine self-love stems from accepting and appreciating your intrinsic value, independent of external validations.

4) Ignoring feelings

Ignoring or suppressing feelings is a common habit among individuals who don’t genuinely love themselves.

They might mask their emotions, pretend everything is alright when it’s not, or divert their attention from what they’re truly feeling.

But here’s the raw truth: Ignoring your feelings won’t make them disappear. Instead, they’ll continue to lurk beneath the surface, causing discomfort and distress.

Mindfulness teaches us to do the exact opposite. It encourages us to acknowledge our feelings, experience them fully, and let them flow naturally without judgment.

If you’re in the habit of suppressing your emotions, it’s time for a change. Start practicing mindfulness.

Allow yourself to feel without judgment or resistance. It might be uncomfortable initially, but remember that feelings are just temporary visitors.

Ignoring your feelings is like ignoring a wound — it won’t heal until you acknowledge it and give it the care it needs.

Emotions are part of being human, and acknowledging them is a significant step towards genuine self-love.

5) Living with a dominant ego

A dominant ego can often hinder us from genuinely loving ourselves. Ego focuses on the self in relation to others, constantly comparing, judging, and seeking external validation.

It’s a habit that can lead to feelings of inadequacy and dissatisfaction.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I dive into how Buddhism teaches us to rise above our ego and live with compassion and authenticity.

When we let our ego dominate, we’re giving power to an illusion.But our worth isn’t defined by comparison or validation from others. True self-love comes from recognizing our inherent value and living authentically.

If you find your ego calling the shots in your life, it might be time to take a step back. Recognize this habit and strive for authenticity instead of approval. 

6) Fearing solitude

A fear of solitude is a common trait among those who don’t genuinely love themselves. They might constantly seek company or distraction, fearing what they’ll encounter in their own presence.

But here’s the hard truth: Running from solitude won’t help build self-love. On the contrary, it prevents us from engaging in self-reflection and understanding ourselves on a deeper level.

Both Buddhism and mindfulness wisdom emphasize the importance of solitude for self-discovery and growth.

As we spend time alone, we can observe our thoughts and feelings without distraction, helping us understand ourselves better.

Solitude can be a powerful tool for self-discovery and self-love. So take some time for yourself, sit in silence, and allow your thoughts to come and go without judgment.

It may seem daunting at first, but embracing solitude can be a transformative step towards genuine self-love.

7) Avoiding change

A habit of avoiding change often indicates a lack of genuine self-love. Those who don’t love themselves might resist change out of fear, even if the change could lead to growth or improvement.

But here’s the raw truth: Change is the only constant in life. Avoiding it only stunts our growth and keeps us stuck in unfulfilling situations.

Jack Kornfield, a renowned mindfulness expert, once said, “The trouble is, you think you have time.” This quote is a poignant reminder not to delay embracing change or pursuing our true desires.

If you find yourself resisting change, it’s time for some self-reflection. Why are you avoiding change? Is it fear of the unknown, or perhaps a lack of self-belief?

Embracing change can be scary, but it’s also a powerful path towards growth and self-love. Don’t let fear hold you back from becoming the person you aspire to be.

8) Overextending oneself

We often associate helping others and being busy with positivity, but overextending oneself can actually be a sign of a lack of self-love.

Those who don’t genuinely love themselves might keep themselves excessively busy or constantly put others’ needs before their own.

Counterintuitively, this isn’t always altruism at its best. It can be a way to avoid sitting with oneself and facing one’s feelings and thoughts. Or it might be a quest for validation and appreciation from others.

Mindfulness teaches us the importance of balance. It’s great to help others and be active, but not at the expense of our own well-being or self-love.

Are you overextending yourself to avoid dealing with your feelings or seeking validation from others? It’s okay – and necessary – to take time for yourself.

Self-love means caring for your own needs too. Practicing mindfulness can help you find this balance and cultivate genuine self-love.

In conclusion, cultivating genuine self-love requires self-awareness, courage, and compassion. And most importantly, it involves recognizing and changing habits that don’t serve our well-being.

I hope that identifying these habits will help you on your journey towards self-love. Change isn’t easy but it’s always possible, especially when we approach it with mindfulness and understanding.

If you’re looking for more guidance on this journey, I invite you to explore my book “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”.

It offers insights into the wisdom of Buddhism, which can provide invaluable guidance as you work towards cultivating genuine self-love.

Remember, you are deserving of love – especially from yourself.