When your partner forgets to put the toilet seat down or leaves dirty socks on the floor, you might think you’ve got marriage nailed down.

But after 20 years of being married, I can tell you, it’s a whole different ball game.

The simple truths about marriage aren’t so simple, and the reality can be downright brutal.

In this lifelong journey of togetherness, you’ll learn more about yourself, your partner, and the bond you share than any romantic movie or self-help book could ever reveal.

Trust me; these aren’t lessons learned overnight.

They’re insights gained from countless discussions (and disagreements), shared dreams (and disappointments), and most importantly, time.

Now, I’m going to share with you eight brutal realities about marriage that only come to light after two decades together.

1) Love isn’t always enough

Marriage is a marathon, not a sprint.

In the initial years, it’s all about the butterflies in the stomach, stolen kisses, and love letters.

However, after two decades, you’ll realize that love isn’t always enough to keep the marriage going.

Don’t get me wrong; love is vital as it’s the foundation of your relationship but, over time, you’ll understand that a successful marriage requires more than just romantic love.

It’s about compromise, understanding, patience, and a whole lot of hard work.

You’ll have disagreements and fights and you’ll experience moments when you question everything, yet it’s these moments that test your relationship and ultimately make it stronger.

Love isn’t always enough, but it’s a pretty good place to start.

2) Communication is harder than you think

I always thought I was good at communication—I mean, I’m a writer, for goodness’ sake!

Words are my bread and butter but, when it came to communicating with my spouse, I realized it was a whole different ball game.

About 15 years into our marriage, we hit a rough patch.

We were bickering over the smallest things, and I couldn’t figure out why until one day, during an argument about who should do the dishes, it hit me.

We weren’t really arguing about the dishes—we were arguing because we had stopped communicating effectively—and we had fallen into a routine of assuming what the other person was thinking or feeling instead of actually talking about it.

Those assumptions were leading to misunderstandings and disagreements.

It took us a long time to break out of that cycle, but once we did, our relationship improved significantly.

Marriage taught me that communication isn’t just about talking; it’s about listening, understanding, and most importantly, not assuming.

3) You don’t have to like each other all the time

Here’s something that may surprise you: According to relationship experts, it’s perfectly normal to occasionally dislike your spouse.

Let’s be honest, no one is perfect because we all have our quirks and habits that can be a bit annoying.

Your spouse is no different.

Over time, you’re bound to discover traits that rub you the wrong way.

It’s okay to have moments when you don’t like your spouse, as long as those moments are the exception and not the rule.

The key is to remember that these feelings are temporary.

It’s about accepting each other’s flaws, and it doesn’t mean you love them any less.

It’s just part of the rollercoaster ride that is marriage.

After all, they probably feel the same way about you sometimes!

4) Personal growth is a shared journey

When you first get married, you’re two individuals united by love.

As years pass, you’ll realize that marriage is more than just a union of two hearts; it’s a union of two lives evolving together.

You’ll grow and change, and so will your partner—and these changes might not always be in sync.

There were times when my spouse and I found ourselves moving in different directions.

We learned that it’s not about resisting change or trying to make the other person fit into our mold.

Instead, it’s about embracing each other’s growth and supporting one another through all the ups and downs.

Marriage isn’t just about growing old together; it’s about growing together.

5) Your relationship won’t always feel “equal”

I remember when I first got married, I had this idea that everything would be 50/50.

House chores, parenting, even the emotional load—I thought it would all be equally shared but, after 20 years of marriage, I can tell you that’s not the case.

There are periods when I’ve carried more of the load, and times when my spouse has had to step up.

Life throws curveballs—job changes, illness, stress—and your roles in the relationship may need to shift to accommodate those changes.

I’ve learned that instead of keeping score, it’s more important to be flexible and supportive.

The goal isn’t to make everything equal; it’s to make sure both of you feel valued and supported, no matter what life throws your way.

6) Disagreements can be healthy

You might think that a peaceful relationship is one where there are no arguments or disagreements.

However, disagreements are a normal part of any relationship.

They’re an opportunity to express your feelings, share your perspective, and negotiate your needs.

Of course, the key is how you handle these disagreements.

Shouting matches or hurtful words? Not so healthy—but calm, respectful discussions where both of you listen to each other’s point of view? That’s where growth happens.

Don’t be afraid of disagreements.

Embrace them as a chance to understand each other better and strengthen your bond.

Trust me, it works!

7) Your spouse can’t read your mind

No matter how well your partner knows you, they can’t read your mind.

It’s a simple truth, but one that took me a long time to learn.

You have to communicate openly about what you’re feeling or what you need.

Whether it’s about something as trivial as your preferred dinner choice or as significant as your feelings of stress or anxiety.

Sure, it might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’re not used to expressing your feelings openly.

Clear communication is the backbone of a strong relationship, so don’t expect your spouse to magically know what’s going on inside your head.

Speak up, share, and let them in—it makes a world of difference, I promise you.

8) Marriage is a constant work in progress

Here’s the biggest reality of all: marriage isn’t something you can set on autopilot.

It requires constant attention, effort, and care.

Just like a garden, it needs regular watering, plenty of sunlight, and occasional weeding to bloom.

Neglect it, and it will wither.

Keep nurturing your relationship by communicating, understanding each other’s changes, finding common ground during disagreements, and loving each other through it all.

The goal is to have a marriage that’s worth all the effort you put into it.

The beauty of long-term commitment

If you’ve made it this far, it’s clear that you’re either in a long-term relationship, about to embark on one, or simply intrigued by the complexities of marriage.

Being married for over 20 years has taught me that marriage isn’t just about being in love.

It’s about being a team, navigating life together with all its ups and downs, and embracing the journey of shared growth.

The realities of marriage can be brutal, but they are also incredibly rewarding.

They teach you about patience, compromise, and the true meaning of love in ways that nothing else can.

Take a moment to reflect on your own relationship or future relationships and understand that it’s a journey filled with lessons and growth.

The beauty of marriage lies not just in the destination but in the journey of getting there together.