Grandparenting is one of life’s great surprises, isn’t it?

You think you know what love is after raising your own children, then a small person grabs your wrinkled finger and suddenly your heart grows three sizes.

But if there is one thing I have learned walking around the park with my grandkids and our dog trotting ahead, it is this: The relationship does not take care of itself.

Our words matter; a careless comment here, a sarcastic remark there, and before you know it, there is a bit of distance where closeness used to be.

Most of us do not mean any harm.

We are tired, we are old school, we are repeating what our own elders said to us.

The problem is that children remember; not every word, but how we made them feel.

Let’s talk about seven phrases that quietly chip away at that special bond, and what we can say instead:

1) Saying “I liked you better when you were little”

I have heard grandparents say this with a fond smile, as if it is a compliment.

But imagine being a twelve year old and hearing that.

What you actually hear is, “I preferred the old version of you, not this one.”

Our grandchildren are constantly changing.

One year it is dinosaurs, the next it is makeup or gaming or music that sounds like a car alarm.

If we keep telling them they were cuter, sweeter, or easier before, they get the message that growing up is a disappointment to us.

That is the quickest way to make a teenager stop talking to you.

A better approach is to notice who they are now.

Instead of “You were so adorable when you were five,” try “I love seeing the kind of person you are becoming” or “I am proud of how you think about things now.”

You can still reminisce, of course, but just make sure you do not treat the past as better than the present.

They need to feel that you like them at every age, not just when they fit on your lap.

2) Comparing them to siblings or cousins

“Why can’t you be more like your sister?” and “You know, your cousin already knows how to do that.”

If we could erase those sentences from the grandparent vocabulary, I think families everywhere would breathe a sigh of relief.

Comparison feels like motivation to us, because that is how many of us were raised.

To a child, though, it feels like a verdict.

They are not as good, not as clever, not as well behaved as some other golden child in the family.

When I was a boy, I was always being compared to a very academic cousin.

All it did was make me avoid that cousin and resent the adults. It certainly did not improve my grades.

If you want to influence people, you must make them feel important, and never humiliate them.

Children are no exception.

Instead of saying, “Your brother never caused this much trouble,” you might say, “I know you can figure this out in your own way” or “You have your own strengths, let’s work with those.”

Our job is to make each one feel seen.

3) Dismissing their feelings with “Stop crying” or “You’re overreacting”

I grew up in a time when “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” was considered a perfectly normal thing to say.

Some of us even heard “Boys don’t cry,” or “Big girls do not act like that.”

As I have admitted in other posts, I probably muttered a version of that to my own son at one point.

I wince now, thinking back.

When we tell a child their feelings are silly, dramatic, or not a big deal, we are teaching them to shut down around us.

If your granddaughter is sobbing because her friend ignored her at school, it might seem minor to you.

You have lived through wars, recessions, heartbreaks, and health scares.

But to her, right now, it is huge.

You do not have to agree with the size of her reaction. You just have to respect that it is real to her.

Try something like, “Looks like that really hurt your feelings” or “Do you want to tell me what happened?”

Once she feels understood, she will calm down faster anyway.

Closeness grows when children learn, “I can bring my feelings to Grandpa, and he will not laugh at me or shut me down.”

4) Using labels like “lazy”, “dramatic” or “difficult”

These labels slip out when we are frustrated.

The trouble is, the child starts to believe them.

Once a label sticks, it is hard to peel off.

I remember one afternoon when one of my grandsons refused to join a family game.

My first reaction was, “You are being difficult.”

Thankfully I bit my tongue.

After a bit of gentle probing, it turned out he felt embarrassed because he did not understand the rules and did not want to look silly.

If I had called him lazy, he might have stomped off to his bedroom and that would have been that.

Instead we sat down, went through the rules quietly, and he ended up playing and laughing with everyone.

Children behave badly sometimes, and so do adults.

That is different from being a bad person.

Rather than “You are lazy”, try “You have not started yet, what is getting in the way?”

We want them to see mistakes as things they do, not things they are.

5) Shutting down with “Because I said so”

We were raised in the age of “Because I said so, that is why.”

Questioning adults was seen as cheeky. You did not ask why, you just did as you were told.

The world our grandchildren live in is very different.

Schools encourage them to ask questions, to think for themselves, to understand the reasons behind rules.

When we give them nothing but “Because I said so,” we are teaching them that speaking to us is pointless.

That does not mean you need to enter into a half hour debate about every bedtime.

You are still the elder, but offering a short explanation shows respect.

Instead of “Because I said so,” you could say, “I want you home by nine so I know you are safe” or “No phones at the table because this is our time to talk.”

If they understand the reason, they are more likely to cooperate and less likely to pull away from you emotionally.

6) Putting down their world with “Back in my day…”

We all do this one from time to time.

Sometimes it is just nostalgia, and sometimes it is a way of saying, “I do not understand this new world and it scares me a bit.”

If every conversation turns into a speech about how things were better when we were young, our grandchildren start to hear a different message.

They hear, “Your world is rubbish and you are growing up wrong.”

I once caught myself grumbling about “these phones” while walking with my granddaughter.

She quietly said, “Grandpa, I use my phone to talk to my friends when I feel lonely.”

I still do not understand half the things they watch online but, instead of mocking, we can get curious.

Try asking, “What do you like about that game?” or “Show me that song you keep talking about.”

You do not have to approve of everything, but being interested tells them, “Your life matters to me.”

7) Using guilt like “If you really loved me, you would…”

Sometimes these lines slip out when we feel lonely.

Retirement can be a quiet time.

Friends pass away, our own children are busy, and those little faces on our phone screen mean the world to us.

However, when we use guilt to get attention, we poison the very closeness we crave.

A teenager already feels pulled in ten directions.

School, friends, activities, the ups and downs of growing up.

If every time they call or visit they are greeted with a guilt trip, they start to associate us with emotional pressure.

Eventually, they pull back.

Instead of “If you really loved me”, try “I really miss you, can we plan a time to chat this week?” or “It makes my day when you call.”

We are allowed to ask for what we need; we just should not make them feel like bad people for having their own lives.

A few closing thoughts

I am well into my sixties and I still catch myself saying the wrong thing now and then.

Old habits are stubborn.

The good news is that relationships are remarkably forgiving when we are willing to be honest.

If you recognize yourself in any of these phrases, you can always circle back.

“I should not have said that. I am sorry. I love you and I am proud of you.”

Those words repair more damage than any clever advice.

At the end of the day, most grandchildren are not looking for perfect grandparents.

They are looking for safe ones; people who listen, who try to understand their world, and who choose kindness over being right.