Sometimes, relationships feel like tightrope walking.

One little slip, and you’re left wondering what just happened.

But if you’re with someone who has an anxious-avoidant attachment style, that balance act becomes a whole lot trickier.

You’re constantly dancing between connection and distance, with moments that leave you feeling so close—and yet, somehow, miles apart.

I’ve been there, feeling like I was lost in some emotional maze, searching for signs, trying to understand what was really going on.

So if you’re feeling that way, know you’re not alone.

Let’s explore the nine signs that might reveal if your partner’s holding back due to an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

With a little insight, maybe you’ll find a path through this maze, together.

1) They value independence… a lot

We all appreciate a bit of personal space and independence.

But for someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style, this need is heightened to a whole new level.

These individuals cherish their independence and often place it above everything else, including their relationships.

They tend to be self-reliant and might even view relationships as a threat to their freedom.

At first glance, this might seem admirable.

You might even be attracted to their self-sufficiency.

But in the long run, it can lead to feelings of disconnection and emotional distance.

2) They’re uncomfortable with intimacy

A personal story comes to mind when I think of this particular sign.

I once dated someone who, in retrospect, had a clear anxious-avoidant attachment style.

We could have an amazing day together, full of laughter and connection.

But as soon as things got a bit intimate or emotional, he would pull away, almost as if he was scared.

He would find ways to create physical and emotional distance.

This could be as simple as moving to the other end of the couch or shifting the conversation to a less personal topic.

I used to feel hurt and confused, thinking it was something I had done.

But now I understand it wasn’t about me; it was his discomfort with intimacy – a classic sign of an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

3) They often send mixed signals

If you’ve ever felt like you’re on an emotional roller coaster with your partner, you’re not alone.

Anxious-avoidant individuals are notorious for sending mixed signals.

One moment, they might be incredibly affectionate and engaged, making you feel cherished and loved.

The next, they might become distant and aloof, leaving you feeling confused and insecure.

This push-pull dynamic is often a result of their internal conflict.

They desire connection and intimacy, but they also fear it.

4) They struggle expressing their feelings

Ever had a conversation with your partner where you felt like you were pulling teeth trying to get them to express their feelings?

If so, you could be dealing with an anxious-avoidant individual.

People with this attachment style often find it challenging to open up about their emotions.

They might seem distant or even dismissive when discussing feelings or emotional topics.

This isn’t because they don’t have feelings. On the contrary, they might have very intense emotions.

But their fear of vulnerability and intimacy can make expressing these emotions feel unsafe.

It might take them time to feel comfortable opening up, but that doesn’t mean they don’t care or value the relationship.

5) They avoid commitment

If your partner seems to dodge conversations about the future or gets anxious when the topic of commitment comes up, they might have an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

According to psychologists, these individuals often associate commitment with loss of freedom or being trapped.

So, they might avoid making plans too far in the future or hesitate to label the relationship.

This fear of commitment is not a reflection of their feelings for you.

Instead, it’s a manifestation of their internal struggle with intimacy and vulnerability.

6) They have a hard time relying on others

Managing life’s ups and downs is challenging, and having someone to lean on can make it easier.

But for those with an anxious-avoidant attachment style, relying on others can be a daunting prospect.

They often believe they need to face challenges alone and may even resist your attempts to provide support or help.

This can be heartbreaking to watch, especially when you care deeply for them.

7) They often create emotional distance

There was a phase in my relationship when I felt like I was living with a ghost.

My partner was physically present, but emotionally, he seemed miles away.

He would get lost in his work, hobbies, or even just mindless scrolling on his phone.

It felt like he was creating an invisible barrier between us, and I couldn’t figure out why.

Now, I understand that this emotional distancing was his way of coping with the anxiety and discomfort he felt around intimacy.

According to attachment theory, this behavior is a common characteristic of an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

Understanding this can help you not to take their distancing personally and find ways to bridge the gap without infringing on their need for space.

8) They can be highly critical

If your partner often points out your flaws or is overly critical, they might be exhibiting signs of an anxious-avoidant attachment style.

These individuals can sometimes focus on the negatives, both in themselves and others.

This criticism can serve as a defense mechanism to keep others at a distance and protect themselves from getting too emotionally attached.

9) They struggle with vulnerability

Vulnerability is at the heart of deep, meaningful connections.

But for someone with an anxious-avoidant attachment style, being vulnerable can feel threatening.

They may shy away from sharing their innermost thoughts and feelings or struggle to show genuine emotion.

This is often because they fear rejection or worry that their vulnerability will be used against them.

However, vulnerability is a strength and not a weakness.

Encouraging open and honest communication can help your partner feel safer to share their true selves with you.

Final thoughts

I’ve come to believe that understanding someone’s attachment style is like discovering a hidden map in a relationship.

Suddenly, you’re not wandering through unknown territory; you’ve got a sense of what to expect, even when the path feels a bit rough.

Being with someone who keeps you at arm’s length, who loves you but feels distant—that’s no easy journey.

But knowing the signs of an anxious-avoidant attachment style can be a game changer.

It allows you to see their behaviors for what they are—responses born from their own fears and defenses.

In the end, relationships are a balancing act of patience, empathy, and yes, the courage to stick around, even when things get tough.