Do you know a certain someone who feels like they’re always seeking to manipulate you? Or take advantage of you? Or make you feel worse for whatever reason?

Then I have bad news for you: they just might be a narcissist.

The thing with narcissists is that they love to play psychological games with you. Why? Sometimes, they want to get something out of you. Sometimes, they just want to toy with someone’s emotions for some twisted reason.

Based on my research and experience, these mind games can be categorized in 10 different ways.

Read on so you know what they are—and so you know how to protect yourself from them better.

Let’s look at the 10 classic mind games narcissists play in a relationship, according to psychology.

1) Self-victimization

Playing the victim is one of the most common ways to emotionally manipulate someone. Many, many people have done it to a certain extent, not just narcissists.

But of course, narcissists will do it more often and more intensely.

Playing the victim involves changing a narrative to make themselves look like they have been wronged by others.

Or, you know, wronged by you.

Why do they do this? 

They want the moral or emotional upper hand in the relationship. They want you to feel like you owe them an apology or some form of atonement so they can demand something from you.

In fact, they’ll do this even if they’re the ones at fault! It’s a ticket for them to avoid accountability.

2) They project

Making it seem like you’re the one doing something even if they’re the ones doing it—there’s a word for that, actually: projection.

When someone plays the victim and portrays you as the perpetrator (even if they’re the ones who did something wrong), they’re projecting onto you.

Sometimes, it’s to avoid accountability and to manipulate you, all while being fully aware that it’s them who’s truly at fault. (Shameless, I know).

But sometimes, they also just don’t have the emotional maturity to recognize or realize their mistakes. Or, they’re scared to admit it to themselves. In this way, they’re avoiding feelings of guilt or shame.

For example, my ex-partner told me that they’re always so tired doing all the house chores because I was slacking off—even if I actually did more house chores!

3) They’ll make you feel jealous

Remember what it means to be narcissistic: they’re so full of themselves, so in love with themselves, that they think they need and deserve all the attention.

And if they’re particularly toxic attention seekers, they’ll likely want to make you jealous.

Why? Well, so you’ll fawn over them more. Duh.

Again, what they want most of the time is the upper hand in the relationship. They want you to fear losing them, so you end up doing what they want you to.

For example, when it comes to romantic relationships, narcissists tend to do the following to induce jealousy:

• Posting old pictures of their ex on social media;
• Telling you how other people are attracted to them (even if it’s not true);
• They’ll subtly try to flirt with others in front of you (but not so much that you think they’re cheating);
• Telling you how attractive or amazing other people are (especially in areas you’re insecure about).

This is also called being a “Casanova”, named after Italian author Giacomo Casanova, who was infamous for being a playboy with women.

Draining and infuriating, isn’t it? 

4) They threaten you 

Of course, anyone has the right to leave a relationship for whatever reason. But realistically, a good relationship can’t be developed if the threat of leaving is always levied.

If minor or moderate problems are always resolved with ultimatums about leaving, there’s zero room for compromise, communication, and collaborative solution-building.

Narcissists will use all-or-nothing threats to control the people in their lives. It’s unhealthy, demanding, and downright abusive.

“Don’t hang out with your friends, or else I’ll leave you.”

One of my friend’s narcissistic ex-boyfriends kept telling her that.

Of course, they actually don’t want to leave. They want to control you. It’s a good thing that my friend realized that she was the one who needed to leave.

5) They put you down

In order to control you, narcissists need to break you down first. They need you to be soft and malleable so they can bend you to their will.

They do this by putting you down. They will…

• Criticize you;
• Insult you;
• Devalue your achievements;
• Highlight your weaknesses;
• Rub your insecurities in your face;
• Compare you to other people.

Once you start feeling bad about yourself, that’s when they’ll make their other movies. They’ll make you attached to them or manipulate you to do their bidding.

6) They love-bomb

However, most people won’t really be affected by someone putting them down if that someone isn’t a person they care about.

Narcissists know this. So what they do is they love-bomb first before they start to put you down.

Love-bombing is the act of expressing intense affection in a short period of time. They’ll constantly be talking about how much they love you, or they’ll shower with gifts.

At times, it can be off-putting. But at times, it works. 

And when it works, it makes the targeted person incredibly attached to the love-bombing narcissist. They become dependent on them for affection or validation, for example.

Once that happens, the narcissist will be “hot and cold”—they’ll alternate between being affectionate and putting you down. By doing so, they’ll get control over the person.

7) Gaslighting

The term “gaslighting” has gained notoriety in recent years in social media when talking about relationships and mental health—and for good reason. 

The term actually comes from an old film titled “Gaslight” (a good movie, by the way). In the movie, the husband constantly makes her wife doubt her own judgment.

And that’s exactly what gaslighting is all about. When someone is trying to make you doubt your own memories, emotions, or judgment, then they’re gaslighting you.

• “You’re not disappointed in me; you’re just tired.”
• “You didn’t say that. What you said was…”
• “You’re remembering it wrong.”

These phrases can all be forms of gaslighting.

What’s the point? Well, if you doubt yourself, then you’ll rely more on them.

And, as I’ve said, that’s the point: they want control over you.

8) They divide and conquer

Divide and conquer is one of the oldest strategies when it comes to war—but it’s also one of the most common tactics for, well, anything. And that includes how a narcissist gains control over another person.

The phrase refers to how it’s easier to defeat an opponent if they are not with their allies or friends. 

So, in the context of relationships, narcissists will tend to try to isolate you from your other friends or family members as they try to manipulate you.

After all, without them, you won’t have as many people to run to for comfort, advice, or an alternate perspective (because you might not even realize that you’re being manipulated!)

In the same vein, it’s also easier to defeat multiple smaller and weaker enemies than to take on one strong opponent in one go. 

So narcissists will try to wither away at your defenses slowly but surely. They typically won’t explode or change behaviors out of nowhere.

9) They tarnish your reputation

One of the main ways they try to isolate you is by ruining your reputation with your loved ones.

Expect them to spread rumors, exaggerate your mistakes (or even completely fabricate them), or try to get the people who like you to change their opinion. 

In essence, expect them to try to get people from your side to theirs. Or, at the very least, even if they don’t end up supporting the narcissist, they won’t interfere as much.

10) They intimidate you

We’ve discussed above how narcissists will threaten to leave you in order to have their way. That’s the most common threat they’ll use against you, but expect them to threaten you about a whole host of things.

They can threaten to…

• Spread rumors about you;
• Hurt you;
• Destroy your belongings;
• Harm your pet;
• Commit suicide.

…and a whole host of other things. Don’t give in to the pressure. They don’t really mean these things—they just want to pressure you into submission.

Why do narcissists play these games?

Narcissists play mind games for several reasons, with all of them having their root cause in egoism and a superiority complex.

• It gives them control of the relationship;
• It provides them a way to boost their ego;
• They are looking for someone that they can manipulate to give them validation, affection, and admiration;
• It gives them a sense of amusement and joy;
• It reinforces their belief that they are above others;
• It’s a way for them to cope for their insecurities;
• It’s a way for them to avoid responsibility for their actions.

Conclusion

The truth is that while it’s hard to deal with a narcissistic manipulator, it’s even harder to actually spot them.

After all, many of us have done a few of these things even if we aren’t narcissistic—we all still have egos.

The trick is to be able to determine when these behaviors are intense and frequent. That’s when you know someone is a narcissist or manipulative.

And, as you know, it’s best that you distance yourselves from them unless they exhibit a genuine desire to change.