10 charming phrases most narcissists use to gain trust and control at the start of the relationship

Isabella Chase by Isabella Chase | June 7, 2024, 4:14 pm

There’s a fine line between charming someone and manipulating them, and it often boils down to authenticity.

Narcissists are notorious for their manipulation tactics. They have a knack for using alluring words and phrases to gain your trust, only to use it as a tool for control.

At the start of a relationship, they might seem like the most charming person you’ve ever met. But behind that charm could be an alarming intent.

In this article, we’ll uncover 10 charming phrases most narcissists use to gain trust and control at the start of the relationship.

We’ll delve into this tricky territory so you can spot these signs early on, and make informed decisions about your relationships.

1) “You’re special…”

Few things in life are as enticing as being made to feel special. And narcissists are experts at this.

They’ve mastered the art of using sweet words to make you feel like the most unique person in the world. It’s their secret weapon in gaining trust and establishing control.

This phrase, “You’re special”, taps into our innate desire to be valued and cherished. It’s a quick route to our hearts and a powerful tool for manipulation in the hands of a narcissist.

Genuine appreciation is always accompanied by respect and understanding. If someone is rushing into making you feel “special” without really knowing you, it might be time to question their motives.

The key here is to observe consistency between their words and actions. True charm isn’t manipulative, it’s authentic and lasting.

2) “I’ve never met anyone like you before…”

This is another phrase narcissists often use to make you feel unique and treasured. Let me share a personal story to illustrate this.

A few years ago, I started dating someone who seemed like a dream come true. He was charismatic, attentive, and flattering. One of his favorite lines was, “I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

In the beginning, it felt wonderful. I felt seen, appreciated, and valued. But as time went on, I realized that he was using this phrase not as a genuine compliment but as a way to make me feel special and thus, more pliable to his control.

He hadn’t taken the time to truly understand me or appreciate my individuality. Rather, he used the phrase as a tool to make me feel like I owed him something for seeing me as “different.”

It was a hard lesson but a valuable one. Now I know that true appreciation occurs over time and isn’t rushed or used as leverage in a relationship.

3) “We’re perfect for each other…”

This phrase can be incredibly enticing when you hear it from someone you’re attracted to. It paints a picture of a romantic destiny, two souls meant to be together.

However, in the realm of psychology, there’s a concept called “idealization“. This is a manipulative tactic often used by narcissists where they rapidly put you on a pedestal, declaring you as their perfect match.

Why should this be cause for concern? Well, because healthy relationships take time to build and involve understanding, compromise, and growth. They’re not instantaneously perfect.

A declaration of perfection can often signal an attempt to speed up the relationship process and gain control. It’s crucial to be aware of this and ensure the relationship develops at a pace that feels right for both parties.

4) “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before…”

This phrase can feel like a compliment of the highest order. When someone tells you, “I’ve never felt this way about anyone before…”, it stirs up feelings of being cherished, valued, and unique.

In the hands of a narcissist, it’s a tool designed to quicken the pace of the relationship and secure your emotional investment. It’s a promise of exclusivity and intensity that can be hard to resist.

But here’s the thing. Love, real love, takes time to nurture and grow. It’s not an overnight sensation. So hearing this phrase early on could be a sign that the person is trying to rush emotional intimacy.

Genuine emotions are not a race, but a journey. It’s okay to take things slow and let feelings develop naturally over time.

5) “You’re the only one who understands me…”

There’s something profoundly touching about being the only person who can truly understand someone.

When a narcissist says, “You’re the only one who understands me,” it feels like you’ve been entrusted with a significant responsibility. It’s as if you hold a special place in their life that no one else can fill.

This phrase pulls at your heartstrings. It makes you feel needed, valued, and special. But beneath this seemingly innocent statement lies a manipulative strategy.

What they’re really doing is reinforcing your unique position in their life and subtly isolating you from others. It’s a way of making you feel more committed to them and less likely to leave, even when things get tough.

6) “I can’t imagine my life without you…”

Hearing someone say, “I can’t imagine my life without you,” can be incredibly heartwarming. It can make you feel cherished, needed, and deeply loved.

But in the hands of a narcissist, this phrase has a different motive. It’s often used as a tool to create an intense bond quickly, making it harder for you to leave if things get complicated.

It’s essential to keep in mind that love isn’t about possession or dependency, but about mutual respect, care, and freedom. True love values your presence but also respects your autonomy. 

7) “I’ve been hurt before…”

This phrase tugged at my heartstrings the first time I heard it from someone I was dating. It made me want to protect, comfort, and be there for him.

I soon realized that this statement was a recurring theme in our conversations. It was always about past hurt, creating a narrative where he was the victim and I was their savior.

This is a common tactic used by narcissists to gain sympathy and establish control.

While it’s natural to empathize with someone’s past pain, it’s essential to recognize when it’s being used as a tool to manipulate your feelings and behavior.

Healthy relationships are about moving forward together, not getting stuck in past wounds.

8) “I’ve never told anyone this before…”

When someone shares a deep secret with you, it creates a bond of trust. The phrase “I’ve never told anyone this before…” is often used by narcissists to forge this bond early in the relationship.

I recall a time when someone I was seeing confided in me about a deeply personal matter, prefacing it with the phrase “I’ve never told anyone this before…”.

It made me feel trusted, special, and more invested in the relationship.

But as time passed, I realized that this vulnerability was not reciprocated. It was a one-way street where I was expected to be emotionally available, but the same was not extended to me.

While sharing secrets can deepen a relationship, it’s important to recognize when it’s being used as a tool for manipulation.

True vulnerability is reciprocal and should not be used to create an imbalance of emotional responsibility.

9) “I can’t imagine my life without you…”

When a narcissist says, “I can’t imagine my life without you…”, it might initially seem like a romantic declaration of love. However, when used early in a relationship, it can be a red flag.

This phrase is designed to make you feel indispensable and further deepen your emotional connection. It sets the stage for heightened emotional dependency, which is a key tool in the narcissist’s arsenal for control.

By making you feel that they can’t live without you, the narcissist is subtly manipulating you into feeling responsible for their happiness.

This can create an unbalanced dynamic where you may feel compelled to meet their needs at the expense of your own.

10) “You complete me…”

This might sound like the most romantic line from a Hollywood movie, but in real life, it’s a red flag when dealing with a potential narcissist.

“You complete me” implies that they were somehow incomplete before you came along. It places an enormous responsibility on your shoulders to be their ‘other half’.

While it can feel flattering to be seen as someone’s missing piece, it’s not healthy. In a balanced relationship, two whole individuals complement each other; they don’t complete each other.

Final reflection: It’s about balance

Relationships can be complex, and at times, incredibly challenging. Even more so when you’re trying to figure out if someone’s just charming or downright manipulative. 

One crucial thing to keep in mind is that everyone has the capacity for both positive and negative behaviors. No one is purely a narcissist or purely an angel. We are all a complex mix of traits and tendencies.

The phrases we’ve explored aren’t inherently bad. They can be expressions of genuine love and affection when used with authenticity and respect. However, when used manipulatively, they can become tools for control.

Understanding these dynamics empowers us to identify potential red flags early on. It equips us with the knowledge to maintain our boundaries and protect ourselves from emotional exploitation.

In the end, relationships should be about balance – a mutual give-and-take, respect for individuality, and a shared journey of growth.

If someone’s words make you feel uncomfortable or pressured, trust your instincts and take a step back.

Remember, you deserve a relationship that respects your autonomy, values your individuality, and cherishes your presence authentically.