Are you a lovely, friendly, approachable person?

Of course you are.

But then, why do so many people seem to keep their distance from you?

The answer may be as simple as the way you hold yourself. You could be putting out body language signs that say, “Keep away!” even as your heart is saying, “Come on in!”

So what can you do?

The only thing for it is to analyze your body language and see if you can’t make changes to put your external signals in line with your internal feelings.

To help you do that, here are ten body language habits that make you seem less approachable.

If they apply to you, work on changing them to help people know you’re a friendly person!

1) Crossing your arms

Crossing your arms is often touted as a really standoffish posture and one of body language’s big no-nos.

Most people think that this posture is a sign of anger, unhappiness, or being closed off. And to a degree, that can be true.

Other times, it can be interpreted as a sign of self-protection. It’s almost like you’re giving yourself a hug to support yourself against a situation you might find uncomfortable.

But more often than not, it’s actually a very normal posture and just something to do with your arms instead of waving them around or letting them hang limply at your sides.

Even if this is the case, most people still seem to be put off by arm-crossing and feel it can look arrogant or domineering.

If you do it often, try to be conscious of it and move away from this posture when you find yourself doing it. That should help make you seem more approachable.

2) Frowning

“Don’t worry, be happy / ‘Cause when you worry, your face will frown / And that will bring everybody down.”

Words to live by from Bobby McFerrin’s famous song, right?

Well, what if you tend to frown without really knowing it? Or worse, what if you just seem to have “resting bitch face”?

If you ask five-year-olds to draw frowny faces, they can already get all the important features right at that young age – downturned mouth, squinty eyes, and eyebrows angled down toward the nose.

Some people just have facial structures that look a bit like this, and unfortunately, that can make them look grumpy and unapproachable to everyone else.

Others squish up their features when they’re thinking hard, and that can look like frowning as well.

What can you do if your face is expressing things you’re not feeling?

The only solution is consciously trying to fight against your accidental frown.

When you feel your eyebrows coming down for a frown, raise them back up.

You might look surprised, but that’s more approachable than cranky!

3) Avoiding eye contact

Eye contact shows people that you’re paying attention to them and that you’re receptive to what they’re saying.

If you’re one of those people who tends to avoid eye contact, it can make people think a few different things.

They might feel like you’re not really giving them your attention. They could feel like you’re being evasive or even lying, or they could see this as a sign you have low self-esteem.

It may just be your personal style, but if you want people to feel like you’re more approachable, you’re going to have to push yourself to give more eye contact when you’re having conversations.

4) Giving too much eye contact 

Just don’t go overboard.

If you end up looking someone dead in the eye without blinking or looking away, this can seem really weird and definitely not approachable.

For most animals, eye contact is a threat.

It says, “I see you, and I’m being aggressive toward you.”

This is no different in humans, except in really intimate settings where you can gaze into each other’s eyes as though staring into limpid pools of bliss…

Uh, yeah, so try not to fix people with the death stare, and you should start to seem more approachable.

5) Staring

Staring at people across a room is also a strange body language signal to give.

It’s a little different from giving too much eye contact because, in this case, you’re probably not staring at them right in the eyes but taking in their face or even their whole body.

However, if others see you staring at people, it can make you seem either intimidating or creepy.

Neither is what you want.

I like people-watching as much as the next guy, but you have to be a little bit more subtle about it than staring without blinking or flinching. Definitely don’t do it with your mouth hanging open, and whatever you do, don’t lick your lips.

Gross!

6) Looking around the room

If you’re not going to stare at people, then what should you do?

Look around the room?

Not exactly.

Sure, do this when you’re on your own, but if you’re in conversation with someone and you keep scanning the room, you’ll look like you’re not paying attention.

It will seem to them like you’re unable to focus on what they’re saying, and you’re looking around for another source of stimulation.

That’s not going to make them feel good, or you seem approachable.

7) Looking down

I’ve always been fascinated by the ground.

Yep, I know this sounds bizarre. Trust me when I say I took a lot of flak for this all through primary school.

I was super-curious about bugs. I like rocks. And don’t we all walk on the ground? 

What’s not to like?

But keeping your eyes down to the ground instead of looking forward can make you look strange. For years, I found that people treated me oddly until a friend told me why.

He told me that I always looked sad and people felt sorry for me because I was always looking down!

That was a surprise for me because it was really far from the truth!

But I started to make an effort to look down less and look up more. It seems to have worked.

8) Focusing on your phone

I don’t think I have to say much about this one.

If you’re constantly pulling your phone out or staring at your screen, people are going to feel like you’re too busy or too distracted to talk to them, so they’ll be a lot less likely to approach you.

9) Looming

This is one I’m certainly guilty of, and I’ll tell you why.

As a writer, I spend an awful lot of time sitting down at the keyboard. At the end of a long work day, the last thing I want to do is sit down some more.

I want to be up and active!

But when I go out to meet people, they’re sitting down nine times out of ten. I have a tendency to get up out of my seat often and stand over people just because I need a break from sitting.

But I can tell that it’s sometimes off-putting.

Not only do people have to crane their necks upward to face me, but it also has an unconscious effect on people.

By standing a lot higher than others, it can seem like I’m trying to dominate them. Even though I’m not, it can still make people feel uncomfortable.

I’m working on it – maybe I should switch to a standing workstation so I’m not so sick of sitting.

10) Not mirroring

Mirroring is something that people tend to do when they’re having positive social interactions.

It’s exactly what it sounds like. 

The other person rests their chin on their hand, and so do you. They lean back, and you do, too.

Mirroring is copying other people’s postures and is surprisingly controlled by mirror neurons in your brain. These cells actually fire when you do something or when you watch someone else do something.

In other words, our brains are wired up to copy other people’s actions.

So, it’s no surprise that we mirror other people without thinking about it.

The thing is, though, that we do this to varying degrees. If you’re a person who just naturally mirrors people very infrequently, they’ll actually pick up on it.

They might not consciously notice, but they’ll get a feeling that you’re not as agreeable or approachable as you might like them to think.

So what can you do?

When you feel like you’re having a good time talking with someone, try to actively mirror their body language and posture. This can help put them at ease and convey the message that you’re friendly and approachable.

Conclusion

Now that you know about these ten body language habits that make you seem less approachable, you can figure out if they’re holding you back.

If you can relate to any of them, it will take some effort to change, but it will be worth it.

People will be much more willing to engage with you and see you as a friendly person.