8 behaviors that create an emotional wall between parents and their adult children, according to psychology

Farley Ledgerwood by Farley Ledgerwood | January 13, 2025, 9:12 pm

As a parent, you naturally want to maintain a strong bond with your children, no matter their age.

But sometimes, unknowingly, we may create an emotional wall that can distance us from our adult children. 

These behaviors can be subtle and are often rooted in deep-seated emotional patterns. They might not be immediately noticeable, and may even intensify as the child transitions into adulthood.

In this article, we’ll delve into 8 behaviors that can create an emotional wall between parents and their adult children, as revealed by psychology. 

1) Excessive criticism

Criticism, when constructive and balanced, can be a valuable tool for personal growth. However, when it’s excessive and constant, it can form a barrier in any relationship, particularly between parents and their adult children.

Often, excessive criticism is an insidious behavior that creeps into our interactions over time. It’s not always about blatant negative comments or harsh words, but can also be about constantly questioning their choices, undermining their achievements, or comparing them unfavorably to others.

You might find yourself always pointing out what your child could have done better, or expressing disappointment over their decisions. Perhaps you tend to highlight how their peers are faring better in certain aspects of life.

This barrage of criticism can lead your adult child to feel inadequate, judged, and distant from you. They may start to pull away, creating an emotional wall that inhibits open communication and mutual respect.

2) Lack of active listening

Active listening is more than just hearing the words that are being spoken. It’s about understanding the emotions and thoughts behind those words, acknowledging them, and responding appropriately.

When parents don’t actively listen to their adult children, it can create a sense of not being valued or understood.

Perhaps you find yourself offering advice before your child has finished speaking. Or, maybe you dismiss their feelings as irrelevant or overblown. You might even catch yourself not paying full attention when they talk about their experiences or concerns.

Such behaviors send a message that their thoughts and feelings aren’t important to you, leading to an emotional disconnect.

Over time, your child may avoid sharing their thoughts and feelings with you, further cementing the emotional wall between you.

3) Overinvolvement in their lives

While it’s natural for parents to take interest in their adult children’s lives, there’s a fine line between concern and overinvolvement. Crossing this line can unintentionally lead to an emotional divide.

You might find yourself constantly offering unsolicited advice or wanting to be part of every decision they make. Maybe you’re always checking in on them, regardless of their comfort level with it.

While these actions might come from a place of love and care, they can make your child feel like they’re under constant scrutiny or that their autonomy is being undermined.

This can cause them to withdraw, leading to an emotional wall between you both.

4) Denial of past mistakes

No one is perfect, and that includes us as parents. We all make mistakes, and sometimes, those mistakes can hurt our children, even when they’ve grown up.

Perhaps there were moments of harsh discipline during their childhood, or times when you weren’t there for them when they needed you most. Maybe there were broken promises that still sting years later.

Denying these past mistakes or refusing to apologize for them can create a deep emotional chasm between you and your adult child. It’s painful to feel wronged and then be told by the person who hurt you that it never happened or that it wasn’t a big deal.

Acknowledging past mistakes isn’t about self-flagellation, but about honesty, accountability, and empathy. It can be a crucial step in healing the relationship and dismantling the emotional wall between you and your child.

5) Disrespecting boundaries

Boundaries are crucial in any relationship, and they become even more important as your child transitions to adulthood. They help maintain a sense of individuality and respect.

You might unintentionally cross these boundaries by showing up unannounced at their place, insisting on daily phone calls, or prying into their personal affairs. Perhaps you’re overly involved in their parenting style or their relationship with their partner.

While these actions may stem from concern and love, they can come across as intrusive and controlling.

Respecting your child’s boundaries not only shows them that you value their independence but also fosters trust and strengthens your bond. It can help tear down the emotional wall that may have been building over time.

6) Neglecting self-care

As parents, we often put our children’s needs above our own. It’s easy to forget that our mental and physical wellbeing also impacts our relationships, including the one with our adult children.

Maybe you’re neglecting your health, not taking time for hobbies, or constantly stressing about every little thing. This can result in emotional exhaustion, irritability, or even resentment which can unintentionally seep into your interactions with your child.

When you take care of yourself, you’re not just doing it for your own benefit.

You’re also setting a positive example for your child and fostering a healthier, more balanced relationship in the process. It’s a subtle but effective way to prevent an emotional wall from forming between you and your adult child.

7) Forgetting the power of praise

Even as adults, we all love a little bit of praise now and then. A kind word or a compliment can go a long way in making someone feel loved and appreciated.

Perhaps you’re so focused on guiding your adult child that you forget to acknowledge their achievements, big or small. Or maybe you’re quick to point out their mistakes but slow to praise their successes.

This doesn’t mean you need to shower them with unwarranted praise, but recognizing their efforts and achievements can truly boost their confidence and reinforce your bond.

It’s a simple yet powerful way to prevent an emotional wall and keep the relationship with your adult child strong and joyful.

8) Failure to communicate openly

At the heart of all relationships lies open communication. Without it, misunderstandings arise, feelings get hurt, and emotional walls start to build.

Maybe you’re not expressing your feelings openly because you fear how your adult child might react. Or perhaps you’re not encouraging them to share their concerns or fears with you.

Remember, communication is a two-way street. It involves expressing your own thoughts and feelings, as well as listening to and understanding your child’s.

Fostering an environment of open communication can prevent misunderstandings and encourage a stronger bond between you and your adult child. It’s the key to breaking down any emotional walls that may exist.

Final reflections

Being a parent to an adult child is uncharted territory for many. It’s a delicate balance of maintaining the parent-child bond, while also respecting their autonomy and independence.

In the words of renowned psychologist Dr. Karyl McBride, “The transition from parenting a child to parenting an adult requires a significant shift in your parenting role. This means moving from being an authoritative guide to being more of a respectful and loving adviser.”

It’s important to remember that these behaviors aren’t about assigning blame. We all have our shortcomings and blind spots. The key is to recognize them and make conscious efforts toward change.

Remember, it’s never too late to mend bridges and work towards nurturing a healthier, stronger relationship with your adult child. The first step is acknowledging where we might be going wrong.

This article isn’t meant to blame or shame parents, but rather to provide insights into some behaviors that may unintentionally create emotional distance between you and your adult child.

Reflect on your relationship with your child. Are there any areas where you can make changes to foster a better connection?

The journey may be challenging, but the rewards of a strong emotional bond with your adult child are invaluable.