For as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by human interaction – particularly the art of small talk.

And I’ve had my fair share of awkward small talk moments. It’s the same old scenario: sweaty palms, forced conversations, awkward silences and saying things I instantly regret.

And the worst part? Not knowing why it was happening.

I spent years stumbling through social situations, my weak social instincts making every conversation feel like an uphill battle.

But then I discovered something through my love for psychology: there are common phrases that people with weak social instincts say during small talk.

In this article, I’ll be sharing these ‘7 things’ with you. They have helped me understand where I was going wrong and how to improve.

I hope they can do the same for you. Let’s dive in.

1) Over-apologizing

One of the most common traits I noticed in my own interactions, and that psychology backs up, is over-apologizing.

We’ve all been there:

– “Sorry, can I just say something?”
– “Sorry for asking, but…”

It seems harmless, right? But constant apologizing can be a sign of weak social instincts. It implies a fear of intrusion, a lack of confidence in one’s own voice.

When I recognized this in myself, it was like a wake-up call. I started to understand that my words had value and that I didn’t need to apologize for expressing my thoughts or asking questions.

It was difficult at first. Habits are hard to break. But every time I resisted the urge to lead with an apology, I found my conversations became more balanced and I felt more confident.

If you find yourself constantly apologizing during small talk, try this: pause before you speak and ask yourself if an apology is really necessary. You might be surprised at how often it’s not.

2) Avoiding eye contact

During my years of awkward small talk, I noticed another pattern in my behavior – avoiding eye contact.

I would find myself looking down or away, unable to maintain steady eye contact with the person I was talking to. It was as if I found the space between words too uncomfortable and had to look away.

The famous psychologist Carl Jung once said, “The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.”

This quote resonated with me. It made me realize that avoiding eye contact meant avoiding this transformation.

One particular instance stands out in my memory. I was at a networking event, speaking with a potential collaborator. But instead of focusing on our conversation, I found myself constantly looking down at my drink or glancing around the room.

Afterwards, I realized that my inability to maintain eye contact probably came across as disinterest or even rudeness.

Next time you’re in a conversation, try to maintain eye contact more than you normally would. It might feel strange initially, but trust me, the connection you’ll create is worth it.

3) Dominating the conversation

It wasn’t that I loved hearing my own voice. No, it was more of a defense mechanism. I thought that if I filled every silence with my own words, I could steer clear of the awkwardness.

I remember once, during a dinner with friends, I found myself talking non-stop about my recent trip to Europe. It wasn’t until later that night when I realized I had barely asked anyone else about their own experiences or thoughts.

This realization was a turning point for me. Dominating the conversation wasn’t making me more socially adept; it was actually isolating me from others.

So, I began to make a change. I started asking more questions and encouraging others to share their thoughts and experiences. It took some time to get used to, but the payoff was incredible. Conversations became more engaging and I felt a deeper connection with others.

If you find yourself dominating conversations, try this: make a conscious effort to ask open-ended questions and truly listen to the responses. You’ll be surprised at how it transforms your interactions.

4) Negative self-talk

Then there was the negative self-talk, a habit that I struggled with for years.

I would often downplay my achievements or make self-deprecating jokes, thinking it would make me seem humble or funny.

But then I came across a study from the University of Michigan, which found that people who engage in a lot of negative self-talk tend to have higher levels of stress and depression. 

I remember one particular instance at a work event. I had just received a promotion and when colleagues congratulated me, I’d respond with something like, “Oh, they must have been desperate!”

Looking back, I realize I wasn’t just undermining myself in the eyes of others, but also reinforcing a negative self-image.

Once I understood this, I made a conscious effort to change the way I talk about myself. And guess what? It not only improved my social interactions, but also how I felt about myself.

5) Overthinking after a conversation

Overthinking after a conversation was another habit I had to confront.

I would replay every word, every reaction, scrutinizing for any signs of embarrassment or faux pas. It was exhausting and, to be honest, pretty unproductive.

I remember a specific instance after a casual chat with a neighbor. The whole evening, I kept replaying a joke I made that didn’t land quite right. I fretted over it, wondering if they thought less of me because of it.

It took me some time to realize that most people don’t analyze every word you say. They’re more likely to remember the overall impression or how you made them feel.

Once this clicked, I started to be kinder to myself post-conversations. Instead of nit-picking every detail, I focused on the positives of the interaction.

If you find yourself overthinking after every conversation, try this: remind yourself that everyone says things they wish they hadn’t from time to time. It’s part of being human. And chances are, you’re the only one still thinking about it.

6) Fearing silence

I used to think that silence during a conversation was a sign of failure, an indication that I wasn’t interesting enough to keep the conversation flowing.

I recall a time when I was having coffee with a friend. There was a moment of silence and I immediately panicked, filling the quiet with random chatter about the weather.

Silence isn’t something to be feared, but rather, it can provide space for understanding and reflection in a conversation.

After this realization, I became more comfortable with silence. I started to see it as a natural part of conversation rather than something to be avoided. And surprisingly, it made my interactions more meaningful and less exhausting.

So if you, like me, fear silence during conversations, try this: next time there’s a pause, instead of rushing to fill it, take a breath and let it be. You might find that it contributes more than you think.

7) Trying too hard to be interesting

The final habit I want to share is a bit counterintuitive. Like many, I used to think that being good at small talk meant being interesting. I would rack my brain for fascinating stories or impressive facts.

I remember once, at a party, I found myself talking about a documentary I’d seen on rare marine life. It was an interesting topic, sure, but it didn’t really invite much engagement from others.

What I’ve learned since then, is that being good at small talk isn’t about being interesting, it’s about being interested.

Once I shifted my focus from impressing others to genuinely engaging with them, my conversations improved dramatically. I started to learn more about the people around me and formed deeper connections.

Here’s a practical tip: next time you’re in a conversation, instead of trying to be interesting, try to be interested. Ask questions about the other person’s experiences, thoughts, and feelings. You’ll find that this approach makes for much more engaging and enjoyable conversations.

Conclusion

Improving your social instincts isn’t about changing who you are. It’s about recognizing the habits that are holding you back and taking small steps to address them.

Remember, it’s okay to make mistakes. We all say the wrong thing from time to time or find ourselves in awkward situations. What matters is that we learn from these experiences.

Start by identifying one habit from this list that you’d like to work on. Then, take one small action towards changing it. It could be as simple as resisting the urge to apologize unnecessarily or making a point to ask more questions in your next conversation.

Most importantly, be patient with yourself. Change takes time. But trust me, the reward of more meaningful and enjoyable conversations is worth it.