I vividly remember the day my son tripped at the park and burst into tears.

For a split second, I felt that old reflex: the urge to tell him to hush and “stop crying,” because that was what my parents often said to me.

But the truth is, crying is a natural way to express pain or frustration, and I’d rather raise my son to honor his feelings—even the tearful ones.

Why?

Because many of us grew up hearing phrases like “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about,” and as harmless as they might have seemed then, they shaped how we handle emotion today.

If you were regularly told to hold back your tears, there’s a good chance you still stifle certain feelings.

You might not even realize you’re doing it. Below, I want to share seven subtle ways this might show up in your life.

1. You dismiss your own needs

When children are told to halt their tears, they learn that their emotional experiences are unimportant or inconvenient.

As grown-ups, we often downplay our needs out of habit.

You might say things like, “Oh, it’s not a big deal,” even when it is.

Or you might ignore physical discomfort, skipping meals and sleep to get more done at work.

This can lead to burnout and physical health problems.

Data suggests that chronic stress—often fueled by ignoring one’s own needs—can heighten anxiety and depressive symptoms.

I’ve seen this in my own life, especially in the early days of juggling single motherhood with a demanding marketing job.

It was tempting to forgo lunch breaks and power through, but the end result was exhaustion and irritability.

If any of this rings a bell, you may want to reflect on how often you put your own needs at the bottom of your priority list.

Better yet, challenge yourself to address a need—any need—the moment you notice it.

2. You force positivity when you’re feeling low

For some of us, the “stop crying” message evolves into compulsive cheerfulness.

We push a smile even when we’re sad or frustrated.

It becomes second nature to say “I’m good!” even on tough days.

I recall reading an interview with Dr. Shefali Tsabary who once said, “Parenting is not about raising children; it’s about raising ourselves.”

That quote stuck with me because it underscores how much unhealed baggage we carry from childhood.

If we see sadness as a weakness (as many of us were taught), we’ll mask it.
But that fake positivity can hamper genuine connection with others.

According to experts, excessive forced positivity can backfire, leading to what researchers call “toxic positivity.”

It doesn’t allow for honest emotional processing.

It’s okay to say you’re upset. It’s okay to admit you’re not at your best.

3. You turn to busyness as an emotional cover

Overbooking your schedule is a clever way to avoid introspection.

When you’re drowning in tasks, there’s no time to cry, right?

I see this pattern in people who volunteer for every committee, stay late at the office, and never say no when asked to help.

They bury themselves in tasks to distract from feelings that might surface otherwise.

I once fell into that trap.

As a newly divorced mom, I figured constant busyness was the key to staying strong.

But it only postponed the emotions I needed to address.

Research from the American Psychological Association indicates that individuals who chronically overwork are more prone to burnout and relationship stress.

Staying busy can feel productive, but it’s often a sign we’re dodging deeper issues.

If that resonates, the real question is what you might be running from emotionally—and how can you gently face it?

4. You avoid asking for help

We all know the saying “I’ve got this” or “I can handle it,” but do you really have to handle everything alone?

If you were told to toughen up as a kid, you might believe self-reliance is the only option, even to your own detriment.

I used to shy away from admitting I was overwhelmed.

I’d power through an 18-hour day rather than let anyone see me struggle.

But that silent insistence on doing everything solo can lead to mental and physical exhaustion.

So how do you know if you’re rejecting support?

• You refuse help even when offered.

• You downplay challenges to avoid looking “weak.”

• You rarely, if ever, ask for advice or assistance.

It might seem like no big deal, but going it alone all the time can leave you feeling isolated.

If you recognize these tendencies, start small. Let a friend drive you somewhere or ask a colleague for input.

You’ll find it doesn’t diminish your strength; it enhances your resilience.

5. You get defensive when someone points out your stress

I’ve noticed this in myself and in friends.

The minute someone suggests we look tired or asks if we’re okay, we snap. “Of course I’m fine,” we say, often with a sharp edge in our voice.

But here’s the thing: if we grew up not being allowed to cry or show vulnerability, any sign that we’re not coping perfectly can feel shameful.
So we lash out or get defensive.

It’s a protective mechanism that says, “Don’t look at my cracks.”

As Adam Grant once stated, “Emotional well-being is every bit as crucial to a fulfilling life as intellectual growth.”

If we can’t admit our stress, we risk compounding it.

Defensiveness blocks the people who genuinely care from helping us.

When someone points out you’re tense or upset, see if you can respond by taking a breath and listening rather than reacting.

6. You have a subtle fear of vulnerability in relationships

That old instruction—“stop crying”—often sends the message that emotional openness is embarrassing.

As adults, we might avoid letting anyone see our tears.

We keep conversations light and fun, steering clear of deeper topics that might make us tear up.

Sometimes we take it a step further and gravitate toward people who don’t ask deep questions, or we avoid discussions about painful events from our past.

Emotional sharing becomes something we only do in secret, if at all.

I’m not claiming to have a perfect formula, but I do know what it’s like to juggle a million things at once.

In my own relationships, I’ve caught myself feeling uneasy when conversations turn toward what scares me or makes me sad.

However, lowering those defenses—bit by bit—has been liberating.

You can’t truly connect if you’re terrified of being real.

7. You either avoid conflict or create it quietly

Let’s not overlook this final piece.

If you were told not to cry, you might also have been raised to think conflict is something to be swept under the rug.

As a result, you could be conflict-averse.

Instead of addressing issues head-on, you stay silent.

Then, resentment builds until it leaks out as passive-aggressive comments or silent treatments.

On the flip side, some people tip in the other direction: creating small conflicts constantly because they never learned a healthy way to express deeper fears.

They pick at tiny issues—like someone leaving dishes in the sink—while the real emotion is something bigger, like feeling unloved or unappreciated.

If either of those patterns feels familiar, consider small steps to voice your feelings before they reach a boiling point.

Whether it’s frustration about chores or deeper relationship woes, honest dialogue can prevent unnecessary conflict.

Conflict doesn’t have to be a screaming match. It can be an opportunity to explain why you’re hurt and find a resolution.

Final thoughts

Before we wrap up, I want to leave you with a gentle reminder.

Childhood habits don’t vanish overnight. We can’t flip a switch and suddenly feel at ease shedding tears or admitting we’re vulnerable.

But we can build awareness, take baby steps, and see progress with time.

If you recognize yourself in any of these seven points, trust that you’re not alone.

Many of us are unlearning unhelpful patterns taught to us in childhood.

The good news is, awareness is the first step toward breaking cycles.

When we notice these hidden ways of expressing emotion, we can work on healthier alternatives.

We might lean on a friend, journal our feelings, or seek guidance from a professional counselor.

It’s a process, but it’s a worthwhile one if you’re aiming for genuine emotional freedom.

I’m still figuring this out too, so take what works and adapt it to your life.

The next time you sense yourself shutting down your tears—or anyone else’s—take a moment.

Allow that emotion some room. There’s no shame in feeling sadness. We’re not robots, after all.

Thanks for reading, and I hope these insights spark a meaningful shift in how you acknowledge and express your emotions.

We may have been told to keep our tears at bay in the past, but as adults, we get to decide when to let them flow and how to honor the full range of our feelings.

Trust me—your future self will thank you for it.