I’ve spent a fair chunk of my life marveling at how quickly children grow up—one minute they’re riding tricycles around the backyard, and the next they’re packing up cars and heading off to college or new jobs.

As a father and now a grandfather, I’ve learned that staying connected with adult children is both a blessing and, at times, a challenge.

It can be especially painful when you feel like they’re not visiting or calling as much as you’d hoped.

Now, life can get busy for them (we were young once, too), but if you consistently see less and less of your kids, it may be worth looking in the mirror.

Sometimes, our own behaviors unintentionally drive them away.

I’m no know-it-all, but I’ve seen these patterns in my own circle of friends, fellow retirees, and even in my own life on occasion.

If any of these sound uncomfortably familiar, don’t panic. Awareness is the first step to making a change.

After all, we love our kids and want them to love spending time with us.

Let’s delve into the six behaviors that might be keeping your adult children from stopping by as often as you’d like.

1) Constant criticism and negativity

Have you ever been around someone who always points out what’s wrong—never what’s right? It’s exhausting, isn’t it?

Now imagine if that person is your parent. If every conversation feels like a lecture or a highlight reel of your child’s mistakes, they’ll start to associate visits with negativity.

I remember catching myself doing this once with my eldest. He’d come over to fix my computer (I’m not the most tech-savvy fellow), and I spent the first five minutes griping about how he was late.

Looking back, I realized I never even greeted him with a smile. Instead of “Thank you for helping out,” I piled on negativity right away.

When he left that evening, I could sense some frustration—and rightly so.

Harsh criticisms push people away. Even if your intentions come from a place of concern (“I want you to have a stable job,” or “You’d be better off financially if you did X instead of Y”), constant negativity can feel suffocating.

As Winston Churchill once said, “Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary.” The trouble is when it becomes excessive and forgets to offer any constructive path forward or a dose of positivity.

If you catch yourself focusing more on your child’s shortcomings than their accomplishments, try balancing the scales.

Gently offer a suggestion if you truly believe it will help, but cushion it with genuine praise or gratitude.

You might be surprised at the shift in your relationship when you replace that critical edge with a more supportive tone.

2) Not respecting their boundaries

A close friend of mine, who also happens to be in his sixties, once told me that his kids rarely pick up the phone when he calls.

When I asked him why, he shrugged and said, “I call them every day, sometimes three or four times.”

Now, that kind of persistence might have worked when the kids were little and living under your roof, but grown children have their own schedules, stressors, and personal lives.

Boundaries aren’t just about phone calls or texts, though.

It can be anything from prying into your child’s relationship details, showing up at their home unannounced, or offering unsolicited advice about parenting—especially when they have children of their own.

If they’ve politely asked you not to do something, and you ignore that request, you’re basically telling them you don’t respect their wishes.

Keep an eye on the subtle cues: are they hesitant when you bring up certain subjects? Do they sidestep personal questions?

That’s your sign to back off a bit. Giving your kids some emotional and physical breathing room shows that you trust them to live their own lives.

When they don’t feel smothered, they’re often more inclined to visit on their own terms and share things with you voluntarily.

3) Guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation

“After all I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” Sound familiar? Maybe you’ve heard it from someone else’s parents, or maybe you’ve found those words creeping into your own conversations.

Guilt-tripping is one of those behaviors that can wear down any relationship—quickly.

Adult children (really, all of us) have a radar for emotional manipulation. They can sense when a statement is designed to make them feel obligated or ashamed.

Over time, this creates a dynamic built on fear of disappointment rather than genuine love or affection.

I once covered this topic in a previous post here at GE Editing, pointing out how relationships thrive on open communication and mutual respect, not guilt or blame.

Studies even indicate that persistent manipulation tactics can be a major factor in why adult children choose to limit contact.

There’s a big difference between expressing your desire to see them and pressuring them into visiting by implying they’re neglectful or ungrateful if they don’t.

Instead, be honest about your feelings. Say something like, “I miss you and love spending time together,” rather than “You never come around, you obviously don’t care!”

The former opens a door to conversation; the latter slams it shut.

4) Trying to control their life choices

When children are small, parents need to be in control. That’s just the nature of keeping a toddler safe and guiding a young mind.

But as kids grow into adults, that control has to shift toward guidance or friendship if you want a healthy relationship.

No adult wants to feel like they’re still a teenager being told what to do.

Ever find yourself saying, “You’re marrying the wrong person,” “You should live closer to home,” or “You need to take that job I suggested, otherwise you’re making a mistake”?

While you may genuinely want the best for your child, constant directives can feel suffocating.

It’s especially damaging when those directives don’t acknowledge their dreams or personal experiences.

I recall a time when I practically begged my daughter not to accept a job overseas. She went anyway, and guess what? She thrived.

It was a reminder that, as parents, we don’t see every angle of our children’s decisions.

Sometimes they have information or motivations we can’t fully appreciate. If we keep insisting on our way or no way, we risk making them feel disrespected.

As Bill Gates once noted, “Success is a lousy teacher. It seduces smart people into thinking they can’t lose.”

As parents, we’ve learned a lot from our own successes (and failures), but it doesn’t mean we’ve got a monopoly on wisdom. Trust your child’s ability to forge their own path.

Offer advice when asked—or if the situation truly warrants it—but don’t be the backseat driver in every lane of their life.

5) Holding onto old resentments

If there’s one thing I’ve seen time and again, it’s that unhealed grudges can drive the biggest wedge in a family.

Maybe your child made a mistake in their teenage years, or they quit school when you wished they’d stayed.

Perhaps they borrowed money they never repaid, or they were distant during a tough period in your life.

Those unresolved conflicts can linger for years and slip into everyday conversations as snide remarks or passive-aggressive comments.

Let’s be honest: nobody wants to visit someone who constantly reminds them of past transgressions.

A few months ago, I bumped into an old acquaintance who regretted not seeing his son more often.

Unfortunately, every time the son did come around, the father would bring up “the big fight” from a decade ago. Instead of letting that wound heal, he kept reopening it. E

ventually, the son just stopped making the trip.

If something still weighs heavy on your heart, consider sitting down for a real talk. Not a confrontation—an honest, respectful chat.

Acknowledge your feelings, and listen to theirs. Sometimes, that conversation might feel uncomfortable, but it can be the bridge back to closeness. Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius once wrote, “The best revenge is not to be like your enemy.”

Holding onto resentments only poisons you; letting them go fosters a healthier relationship.

6) Refusing to adapt to their adult independence

Last but perhaps most importantly, our children are no longer kids. They’re adults with their own priorities, schedules, and responsibilities.

Clinging to the old family hierarchy or treating them like they’re still five can push them away.

I used to expect my adult children to be free every Sunday afternoon, just like when they were little.

Sunday dinners were an institution in my home back then. But guess what?

They have jobs, they might have partners’ families to consider, or they simply want a day off to do absolutely nothing.

If you keep expecting them to show up exactly the way they did in their childhood years—dropping everything to spend time with you on your terms—you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

And they may start to dodge your invitations altogether if they feel those expectations are unrealistic.

Flexibility is your friend here. Ask your children for their availability, or consider ways to meet them halfway. If you can’t coordinate a weekly dinner, maybe try a monthly brunch.

Or get creative: set up a Zoom call now and then if they live far away. When you respect the fact that they’re juggling a grown-up life, they’ll feel more inclined to include you in it.

Wrapping it up

I can’t pretend to have all the answers, but I do know this: relationships are like gardens—they need consistent care and the right conditions to flourish.

If you’re seeing your kids less and less, these six behaviors might be standing in the way of regular visits.

The good news is that with a bit of reflection and honest effort, you can turn things around.

How? Start small. Watch your tone when you talk, check in on their boundaries, and try not to guilt-trip them when they’re busy.

Show genuine respect for their choices, let go of decade-old resentments, and adapt to their grown-up realities.

Little changes can have a big impact on how welcome you feel in their lives—and how welcome they feel in yours.

Remember, our adult children are not just extensions of us; they’re individuals forging their own path.

Building a relationship based on mutual respect, empathy, and flexibility can help them see your home as a place of comfort and warmth—not obligation or judgment.

So, where do you go from here? Maybe start by reaching out in a more understanding way.

Offer a heartfelt apology if you sense you’ve been guilty of any of the behaviors above. Ask them what they need from you. And who knows?

That might just be the start of more frequent calls, visits, and cherished moments around the dining table—together.

Here’s hoping your next chat or get-together with your kids feels more like an opportunity to bond and less like a source of tension.

Are you ready to give it a try?