Hello there, I’m Lachlan Brown, the founder of Hack Spirit and a mindfulness enthusiast.

Ever wonder why some adults seem to be stuck in a perpetual childhood emotionally? The answer likely lies in their past.

Childhood experiences often shape who we become as adults, even dictating how emotionally mature we become.

In my research, I’ve found nine common childhood experiences that may prevent people from growing up emotionally.

This is not about blame or resentment, rather it’s about understanding and possibly even healing. So let’s delve into these experiences and shed some light on emotional maturity.

1) Inconsistent parenting

The first childhood experience that may lead to emotional immaturity in adulthood is inconsistent parenting.

Inconsistent parenting is when the rules and expectations change frequently, leaving the child confused and unsure of what to expect.

This inconsistency can lead to feelings of insecurity and instability, which can carry over into adulthood.

As adults, these individuals may have difficulty making decisions and may exhibit a lack of emotional control.

They may also struggle with forming and maintaining healthy relationships.

The importance of consistent parenting can’t be overstated. 

2) Emotional neglect

Emotional neglect during childhood is another common experience that can stunt emotional growth.

Growing up, I had a friend whose parents were often too engrossed in their own issues to pay attention to their child’s emotional needs.

As an adult, this friend often struggles to identify and express emotions and has difficulty forming close, emotional connections with others.

Emotional neglect can lead to feelings of being unimportant or unworthy, and these feelings can persist into adulthood.

The neglected child may grow into an adult who is emotionally closed off, has low self-esteem, or struggles with intimacy.

3) Excessive criticism

Another significant childhood experience that can lead to emotional immaturity in adulthood is excessive criticism.

Children who are constantly criticized may grow up to be adults who are overly self-critical, struggle with self-confidence, or have an intense fear of failure.

These adults may also have difficulty accepting constructive criticism and may be overly defensive when their actions or decisions are questioned.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I delve into the concept of self-compassion and its importance in overcoming the scars of a critical childhood.

By learning to treat ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to a friend, we can begin to heal these wounds.

4) Lack of emotional role models

The absence of emotional role models during childhood can severely impact an individual’s emotional maturity in adulthood.

Children learn to understand and express their emotions by observing those around them.

If a child’s primary caregivers fail to model healthy emotional behaviors, the child may struggle to develop these skills themselves.

For instance, if parents do not demonstrate how to effectively manage anger, the child may grow into an adult who has difficulty dealing with this powerful emotion.

This can lead to outbursts of rage or, conversely, a complete suppression of anger.

Renowned psychologist Albert Bandura’s social learning theory underscores the significance of observational learning in childhood. Bandura asserted that children learn social and emotional behaviors by watching and imitating others.

Hence, the absence of positive emotional role models can result in adults who haven’t grown up emotionally.

As Bandura states, “Most human behavior is learned observationally through modeling: from observing others one forms an idea of how new behaviors are performed, and on later occasions, this coded information serves as a guide for action.”

5) Overprotection

Counterintuitively, overprotection during childhood can actually lead to emotional immaturity in adulthood.

While it might seem that protecting a child from every possible harm would result in a secure, confident adult, the opposite is often true.

Overprotected children may not be given the opportunity to face challenges and make mistakes, which are key experiences in developing emotional resilience and understanding consequences.

As adults, these individuals may struggle with independence and decision-making. They might also exhibit a lack of self-confidence and an excessive fear of failure or making mistakes.

Esteemed psychologist Carl Rogers argued that for a person to grow, they need an environment that provides them with openness and self-disclosure, which overprotection often denies.

As he put it, “The only person who is educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.” Overprotection can hinder this natural process of learning and growing.

6) Absence of affection

A lack of affection during childhood is another common experience that can lead to emotional immaturity in adulthood.

Children who do not receive enough love and affection from their caregivers can grow up feeling unloved, unimportant, or unworthy.

These feelings can translate into adulthood as low self-esteem, difficulty trusting others, and problems with intimacy.

Furthermore, a lack of affection in childhood can also result in adults who struggle to express love and affection towards others, leading to difficulties in forming healthy, intimate relationships.

7) Living in a chaotic environment

A chaotic home environment, marked by frequent turmoil, unpredictability, or conflict, can be a significant roadblock to emotional growth.

Growing up in such an environment can cause constant stress and anxiety, which may prohibit the development of crucial emotional skills.

As adults, these individuals might struggle with controlling emotions, particularly in stressful situations.

Moreover, they may gravitate towards chaos in their adult life as it’s what they are accustomed to, even if it’s unhealthy. Staying calm in the storm becomes a challenge because the storm is the norm.

Psychologist Bessel van der Kolk, known for his work on post-traumatic stress disorder, stated: “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”

A chaotic childhood environment often deprives children of this sense of safety, affecting their emotional growth.

8) Early responsibility

Paradoxically, being forced to take on adult responsibilities at an early age can also result in emotional immaturity in adulthood.

Children who have had to deal with too much responsibility too soon—whether it’s caring for younger siblings, working to contribute to the family income, or managing a household—often miss out on essential parts of childhood.

As adults, these individuals may struggle with letting go and having fun.

They may also feel a constant burden of responsibility, even when it’s not necessary.

Additionally, they may have difficulty forming peer relationships, as they’ve always been in a position of authority or care.

Being thrust into adult responsibilities too soon can rob children of this vital ‘work’.

Final thoughts

Understanding how these eight childhood experiences can contribute to emotional immaturity in adulthood is the first step towards healing and growth.

It helps us identify the root of our struggles, allowing us to address them consciously.

In my book, “Hidden Secrets of Buddhism: How To Live With Maximum Impact and Minimum Ego”, I delve further into the concept of emotional healing from a Buddhist perspective.

It provides guidance on how to navigate past traumas and develop emotional resilience.

Remember, it’s never too late to grow emotionally. It’s not about blaming our past or ourselves but about understanding our journey and using that knowledge to move forward.