As much as we encourage one another to open up about our pasts, and as great a form of bonding this is, it’s often incredibly challenging a topic for those who didn’t have the easiest of upbringings.

These individuals tend to keep past experiences hidden under lock and key, and won’t readily impart secrets or trauma dump – especially on people they don’t trust.

However, if you or someone special to you has been through a challenging childhood, there are ways in which you can support them.

This of course takes some understanding of the less obvious signs that hint at a challenging past. 

And this isn’t about prying into someone’s private life, but rather being better equipped to notice what is and isn’t a sensitive topic, and how you can support them better. 

Without further ado, let’s look at the 9 subtle signs that suggest someone has experienced a difficult childhood (even if they choose not to talk about it):

1) They’re overly responsible (and slightly controlling)

Adults who had a difficult childhood often develop a heightened sense of responsibility at an early age. 

As they lacked any irresponsible parent or caregiving figure, they had to step into the role themselves. 

Perhaps this included having to care for younger siblings as well as themselves, making them even more conscious of organization, of accountability, and of what happens when things go wrong (which usually was them being blamed).

They may feel an overwhelming need to take charge in every situation, even when it’s not required of them. 

This is their way of ensuring that everything remains stable and predictable – something they may not have experienced in their childhood and now need to feel safe.

2) Unable to take a compliment

The consequences of having overly critical parents or absent ones is an individual who tends to be pretty tough on themselves.

They might blame themselves for their parents’ behavior, thus picking apart their own flaws as having instigated this lack of love as a child.

This overly self-critical child grows into an adult who suffers with overwhelming self-esteem issues, and cannot for the life of them accept compliments or praise.

They’re adept at belittling their own achievements and downplaying their successes – a common trait among adults who had difficult childhoods. 

So know that these individuals are never fishing for compliments nor looking for validation; this aversion to attention is a pure reflex reaction based on past experiences and low self-worth. 

3) Crippling perfectionism

Perfectionism can often be traced back to a difficult childhood. 

Many adults who faced hardship in their early years develop an intense desire for control and predictability. They push themselves hard and often possess overly critical inner voices which push them to strive for perfection and nothing less.

How is that a bad thing, you might well ask.

Well this isn’t about having high standards or being detail-oriented. It’s about the crippling, soul-destroying fear of making a mistake or failing entirely, which in their heads means being rejected or seen as a complete and utter failure.

Recognizing someone who struggles with perfectionism can provide a great deal of insight into their actions, to help them create an environment where they feel safe and accepted; imperfections and all.

4) Emotional unavailability

Emotional unavailability is the term given to individuals who are unable to accommodate or understand the emotional needs of others. 

In other words, they tend to be apathetic and quite uncaring, especially when it comes to relationships.

This is another sign often displayed by adults who had a difficult childhood. 

Growing up in an environment where expressing emotions was discouraged entirely or met with negative feedback, they might now find it challenging to connect with their own feelings as adults – let alone express them.

However, this doesn’t mean they’re cold or uncaring.

What is often the case (for myself included) is that they are soft and squishy and brimming with emotions inside, but struggle intensively to express or articulate these feelings. 

They may also find it hard to form deep emotional connections with others, fearing vulnerability or rejection should they brave being honest about how they feel.

5) Overly independent (to the point that it becomes a problem)

Independence is typically viewed as a positive trait, but when it’s taken to an extreme, it can indicate someone who has had a difficult past and had to learn to cope with everything – alone.

No one to help them with homework.

No one to bathe or feed their younger siblings.

No one to pay the bills before the debt collector came knocking.

Even asking for help when they need it will prove a challenge, as they’ve learned time and time again that their pleas can and will be rejected.

So whilst their self-reliance can be admirable, it can also be deeply isolating. 

Hence why patience is key when accommodating someone who has had only themselves to look out for in the past.

It’s important to reassure these individuals that it’s okay to lean on others, that they can trust you, and that accepting help doesn’t equate to weakness.

6) Hyperempathy towards others

It’s often said that those who’ve been through hardship are more likely to empathize with others in distress. 

Having been through tough times themselves, they know how much it hurts and what it feels like to be overlooked, neglected, or misunderstood. 

This experience has cultivated in them a deep desire to soothe the pain others feel and prevent their suffering, to the best of their abilities.

But this empathy can be a double-edged sword, as whilst it allows them to connect deeply with others, it can also lead them to absorb other people’s pains and problems – very emotionally exhaustive indeed.

7) High levels of anxiety

For many adults who’ve had a tough childhood, anxiety is a silent companion who still chases them around in adulthood. 

They have a finely tuned alarm system that’s always on high alert, ready to signal danger at the slightest hint of trouble. 

Hypervigilance is to them second nature, causing swift fight flight or freeze responses (most often opting for flight).

Constantly being this anxious is exhausting, and can have a whole host of negative impacts on career, relationships, and other aspects of living. 

But gradually, a nervous system in overdrive can be abated through consistent support and reassurance. 

8) Extreme difficulties trusting others

Being let down by parents and caregivers, people supposed to be the most reliable and most supportive in your life as a child can leave you with a great deal of mistrust towards everyone else in the world.

Cue hesitancy when it comes to forming close relationships, fearing that you’ll be let down or hurt again. 

You know how bad it hurt the first time, so why risk it twice?

And the most painful thing is that people mistake your skepticism as being cold or aloof, when really it’s a self-protective mechanism you had to develop to protect yourself.

If this resonates with you, allow yourself some kindness; with patience and consistency, you can build up your ability to trust over time. If this reminds you of someone, know that in showing up consistently you can also prove to them that not everyone will let them down.

9) Iron resilience

Last but not least, perhaps the most telling sign of someone who has had a challenging childhood is the steely resilience they possess. 

These individuals tend to develop an incredible ability to bounce back from adversity. They’ve faced challenges from a young age, thus are well versed in learning to adapt and persevere.

Forget flailing around and wallowing when things go wrong – these gritty types are right back out there with their boxing gloves on.

Because despite the hardships they’ve endured, they continue to pick themselves back up and push forward, often achieving remarkable things in the process.

The blessings in every struggle.

I used to think that my past challenges and the ways in which they impacted my adult demeanor were things that held me back and hindered my growth.

And whilst I don’t want to diminish or belittle any challenge someone has faced, trauma being so multifaceted and subjective to each person, I work hard to try and see the good in learning from the past.

When it comes to adults who had a difficult childhood, the aforementioned behaviors need not be flaws but reflections of their resilience and strength.

And whether this applies directly to you, or you’re trying to educate yourself on how to better support someone who has navigated these challenges, keep in mind that whilst their past may have shaped them, it doesn’t define them. 

Their strength, resilience, and ability to overcome adversity is what truly defines them, all of which you can do wonders for by patiently supporting.