We’ve all been there. You’re trying to connect with someone, but instead, you unintentionally push them away. It’s frustrating and confusing.

Being unaware of some of our less-than-appealing behaviors can lead to this emotional arm’s length situation, even when we have the best intentions.

The truth is, we all have habits that could be making others feel uncomfortable or unappreciated. Recognizing these behaviors is the first step to rectifying them.

Let’s dive into the nine behaviors that could be pushing people away, even if you don’t mean to. Trust me, self-awareness is a beautiful thing.

1) Being overly competitive

There’s no denying it—life sometimes feels like one big competition. Whether it’s at work, in our personal lives, or even during a friendly game night, there’s often a drive to come out on top.

But here’s the thing—always striving to be number one can have a negative impact on your relationships with others. It can make people feel inferior, stressed, or even intimidated.

People want to feel valued, appreciated, and equal in their relationships. So, if you’re constantly trying to outdo others or show that you’re the best, it can cause them to pull away.

The key is to find balance. Competition isn’t inherently bad—it can lead to personal growth and spur motivation. But when it becomes your primary focus, it can push people away.

So, take note: Are you always trying to one-up others? Is your competitive nature overshadowing your relationships? If so, this might be a behavior you need to keep in check.

2) Being too self-focused

I’ll be the first to admit it—I’ve been guilty of this behavior. I remember a time when I was so engrossed in sharing my own experiences and thoughts that I didn’t realize I was dominating the conversation.

It was during a coffee meet-up with a friend. I had just returned from a trip, and I was eager to share my experiences. I enthusiastically narrated my adventures, barely pausing for breath.

It wasn’t until later when I got home that it hit me—I had hardly asked about my friend’s life. I had been too self-focused. It made me cringe to realize that I had turned the conversation into a monologue about myself.

Too much self-focus can make others feel unheard or unimportant. It can push people away because it sends the message that their thoughts and feelings don’t matter as much as yours.

Conversations should be a two-way street, not a one-way monologue. Everyone wants to feel heard and valued, so try to balance talking about yourself with showing genuine interest in others.

3) Negativity and constant complaining

Did you know our brains are naturally wired to pay more attention to negative information than positive? It’s a survival mechanism called the negativity bias, where we’re more likely to remember bad experiences over good ones.

This bias can influence our social interactions too. If you’re frequently voicing your grievances or focusing on the downside of situations, it can be draining for others to be around. Nobody wants to be in a cloud of constant negativity—it’s just too exhausting.

Complaining occasionally is normal—we all have off days. But if it becomes a regular habit, it can push people away. So, try to cultivate a more positive outlook and save the venting for when you genuinely need it.

4) Not respecting personal boundaries

Respecting others’ personal boundaries is an essential part of any healthy relationship. These boundaries can range from physical space to emotional limits and even extend to people’s time.

Ignoring or pushing these boundaries can make others feel uncomfortable, disrespected, or violated. It sends the message that their feelings and personal space aren’t important to you.

For instance, if someone has shared that they’re not comfortable discussing a particular topic, repeatedly bringing it up shows disregard for their feelings. Similarly, constantly demanding someone’s time without considering their other commitments can lead to resentment.

Understanding and respecting personal boundaries helps create an environment of mutual respect and trust.

It’s always okay to ask if you’re unsure about what someone else’s boundaries might be.

5) Being overly defensive

We all make mistakes—it’s part of being human. However, how we react to criticism or feedback can significantly impact our relationships with others.

If you’re always quick to defend yourself or reject any form of critique, it can make others wary of offering their thoughts or ideas. It can create an environment where people feel they have to walk on eggshells around you.

Being overly defensive can stem from a fear of appearing wrong or inadequate. But remember, constructive criticism is often meant to help us grow and improve.

When you receive feedback, pause and consider it before responding. It might be an opportunity for growth that you wouldn’t want to push away.

6) Not being present in the moment

In this digital age, being present in the moment can sometimes feel like a lost art. With the constant pings and notifications from our devices, it’s easy to be physically present but mentally miles away.

Imagine you’re enjoying a meal with a friend, but instead of engaging in conversation, you’re constantly checking your phone. It sends a message that you’re not fully invested in the moment or the person you’re with.

Being present isn’t just about putting away our devices—it’s about truly listening and engaging with the people around us. It’s about showing them that they are valued and important enough to command our full attention.

When we’re not present, we miss out on meaningful connections and experiences.

So, let’s try to make an effort to be more present in our interactions—it could make all the difference in keeping those around us close.

7) Struggling to express emotions

I’ve always been a bit of a stoic. Emotions, especially the more vulnerable ones like sadness or fear, were things I used to keep tightly locked away. I thought it made me appear stronger, more composed.

But over time, I found this habit of mine was creating a barrier between me and the people I cared about. They struggled to connect with me on a deeper level because they felt I was always holding something back. It was as if a wall was standing between us, preventing true emotional intimacy.

Being able to express your emotions openly and honestly is an integral part of forming strong, lasting relationships. It’s not always easy—it requires vulnerability and trust. But when done right, it allows others to see the real you, fostering deeper connections and understanding.

So, if you find yourself holding back your emotions like I once did, know that showing your true feelings isn’t a sign of weakness.

It’s a sign of authenticity, and it can draw people closer to you instead of pushing them away.

8) Not acknowledging others’ feelings

Empathy is a powerful tool in maintaining positive relationships. It’s about understanding and sharing the feelings of others. But what happens when we fail to acknowledge other people’s emotions?

When we dismiss or minimize the feelings of others, it can make them feel unheard or misunderstood. It can create a disconnect and breed resentment.

Imagine a friend is sharing their frustrations about a tough day at work, and your response is, “Well, at least you have a job.” While you may think you’re offering perspective, your friend might feel that their feelings are being invalidated.

Acknowledging others’ feelings doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It simply means understanding their perspective and validating their emotions. It’s an essential skill in building strong connections with those around us.

When someone shares their feelings with you, take a moment to truly listen and acknowledge what they’re going through. It could make all the difference in how they perceive your relationship.

9) Breaking trust

Trust is the foundation of any meaningful relationship. It’s a fragile thing, hard to build but easy to break. And once broken, it can be incredibly difficult to rebuild.

Whether it’s through dishonesty, betrayal, or consistently failing to keep your word, breaking trust can push people away perhaps more than any other behavior.

When trust is broken, it shatters the sense of security that comes with believing in someone. It creates doubt and uncertainty, making it hard for people to feel comfortable and open.

So, always strive to be reliable, honest, and trustworthy. Keeping your word and maintaining integrity in your actions can go a long way in strengthening your relationships and keeping those around you close.

Final thoughts: It’s all about self-awareness

Understanding human behavior is a complex task, deeply intertwined with our individual experiences, values, and emotions.

One of the most profound insights to emerge from the field of psychology is the importance of self-awareness in our interpersonal relationships.

Recognizing these behaviors in ourselves is the first step towards change. It’s about understanding our actions, their impact on others, and making a conscious decision to cultivate healthier habits.

As you reflect on these points, remember that we’re all works in progress. Change takes time and patience. It’s about progress, not perfection.

So, as we navigate our relationships and interactions with others, let’s strive for greater self-awareness. Because in understanding ourselves better, we can better understand others and foster stronger bonds with those around us.