There’s a thin line between being assertive and being passive-aggressive.

The crux lies in the delivery. Passive-aggressiveness is about expressing your discontent or anger indirectly. It’s a non-confrontational way of saying what you’re really feeling, albeit wrapped in a veil of superficial politeness.

Understanding passive-aggressiveness can be a game-changer. As someone who studied psychology, I’ve learned that there are specific phrases often used by those who lean towards this communication style.

Here are 9 phrases, courtesy of psychology, that passive-aggressive people tend to use.

Let’s delve in and demystify this complex behaviour.

1) “Fine, whatever.”

In the world of communication, context is everything. Consider the phrase “Fine, whatever”. On its own, it might seem like a harmless, albeit slightly dismissive, response. However, when used in a certain tone or context, it can be a classic example of passive-aggressiveness.

Psychology tells us that passive-aggressive tendencies often manifest as a way to avoid direct confrontation. It’s an indirect means of expressing dissatisfaction or disagreement. The person might not want to openly argue or disagree, so they resort to this kind of dismissive language.

The phrase “Fine, whatever” subtly communicates a sense of discontent or annoyance without directly challenging the other person. It’s a way of expressing negative feelings while maintaining a facade of indifference or acceptance.

When you hear “Fine, whatever”, be aware that it could be more than just casual acceptance – it could be passive-aggressiveness hiding behind those words. However, remember that context and tone are key in deciphering these subtle messages. It’s not always about what is said, but how it’s said.

2) “I’m not mad.”

Ah, the classic “I’m not mad.” I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard this, and even used it myself.

Let me share a personal example. I remember a time when my roommate would leave his dirty dishes in the sink for days. It drove me nuts, but instead of confronting him about it, I’d often find myself saying, “No, it’s fine. I’m not mad.” But in reality, I was simmering with annoyance.

“I’m not mad” can be a go-to phrase for passive-aggressive people. It’s a way of denying the existence of any negative feelings or conflict, while the underlying anger or frustration seeps through in other ways (like those dishes that I’d aggressively clean and stack).

According to psychology, this type of indirect communication is common among people who want to avoid confrontation or uncomfortable situations.

When you hear “I’m not mad”, take a moment to assess the situation and the person’s behavior–are they really not mad, or are they just avoiding a direct confrontation?

3) “I thought you knew.”

“I thought you knew” is a phrase often used to shift blame or responsibility. Passive-aggressive individuals may use it to express their disapproval or disappointment without directly stating their feelings.

Blame-shifting behavior, like using the phrase “I thought you knew”, can be linked to a fear of direct conflict or confrontation. This behavior is seen as a way to manage the situation without causing open discord.

When you come across this phrase, it’s important to understand that it might not be about your oversight or misunderstanding. Instead, it could be the other person’s way of expressing dissatisfaction without engaging in a direct confrontation.

4) “I was only joking.”

“I was only joking” is a phrase often used by passive-aggressive people to mask their true feelings or criticism. They may use humor as a cover to express dissatisfaction or to make a point, but when the joke lands a bit too close to home, they can quickly retreat behind this phrase.

It’s a way of expressing negative feelings in a socially acceptable manner and then dismissing any hurt caused as unintentional. The key here is not to take these ‘jokes’ at face value. Instead, consider if there’s an underlying message that the person is trying to communicate.

Passive-aggressiveness is about avoiding direct confrontation. So, a joke might not just be a joke – it could be a veiled attempt to express discontent or criticism.

5) “No worries, if you’re too busy.”

“No worries, if you’re too busy” is another phrase that passive-aggressive individuals often use. On the surface, it seems considerate and understanding, but underneath, it could be a different story.

This phrase is often used to express disappointment or frustration indirectly. The person might feel let down or overlooked, but instead of expressing those feelings directly, they mask them behind a veneer of understanding and patience.

The key to understanding this phrase lies in the context and tone. If it’s accompanied by a sigh, an eye roll, or a change in body language, it might signal hidden frustration or disappointment.

Passive-aggressive communication is all about expressing negative feelings indirectly and avoiding direct confrontation. So when you hear “No worries, if you’re too busy”, take a moment to read between the lines.

6) “I guess I’ll do it.”

“I guess I’ll do it” is a phrase that rings very close to my heart. It’s a classic example of passive-aggressive behavior, carrying an undertone of resentment or disappointment.

This phrase often implies that the person feels overlooked or burdened. Perhaps they’ve been left to shoulder a responsibility that they feel should have been shared. Instead of expressing their feelings openly, however, they resort to this phrase.

It’s a way of saying, “I’m not happy about this, but I’ll do it anyway.” It’s a call for recognition, a plea for appreciation veiled in an offer of self-sacrifice.

Understanding this can really change the dynamics of a conversation. So next time you hear “I guess I’ll do it”, pause for a moment, and consider what the person might truly be trying to convey.

7) “I didn’t know you’d take it that way.”

“I didn’t know you’d take it that way” is a phrase that I’ve both used and heard in the past. It’s a classic passive-aggressive fallback, often used to shift blame after a negative reaction.

This phrase can be a way to sidestep responsibility for the impact of one’s words or actions. It subtly implies that any hurt or offense taken was not intended, and instead places the responsibility on the other person’s reaction.

But here’s the thing – communication is a two-way street. It’s not just what you say, but how it’s received.

When you hear “I didn’t know you’d take it that way”, it may be an attempt to deflect blame rather than take responsibility for any misunderstanding or hurt caused.

8) “I don’t want to be a bother.”

“I don’t want to be a bother” is a phrase often used by passive-aggressive individuals to voice their needs or wants indirectly. On the surface, it appears considerate and selfless, but it can also be a subtle way of expressing dissatisfaction.

When someone says, “I don’t want to be a bother”, they might actually feel overlooked or disregarded. Instead of stating their needs directly, they use this phrase to hint at their discontent.

This phrase can be a cry for attention or recognition veiled as an expression of self-sacrifice.

When you hear “I don’t want to be a bother”, remember that it might be more than just an expression of consideration – it might be an indirect request for your time, attention, or understanding.

9) “It doesn’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter” is perhaps one of the most telling phrases used by passive-aggressive people. It’s a dismissal, an apparent surrender, but in reality, it may signal deep discontent.

When someone says, “It doesn’t matter”, they might be feeling unheard or unimportant. It’s a way of expressing disappointment or frustration while maintaining a facade of indifference.

The key here is to understand that when it comes to passive-aggressive behavior, what is not said often carries more weight than what is.

When you hear “It doesn’t matter”, remember that it probably does matter – a lot.

Reflecting on communication

The realm of human communication is as complex as it is fascinating. Our spoken words are just the tip of the iceberg – it’s the unspoken feelings and intentions lurking beneath that often carry more weight.

Passive-aggressiveness, as we’ve seen through these nine phrases, is a unique form of indirect communication. It’s a way for individuals to express their discontent or disagreement without engaging in confrontation.

Understanding these phrases and the psychology behind them can help us navigate our interactions more effectively. It offers us a lens to decipher the hidden emotions behind seemingly benign words.

But remember, these phrases are not definitive proof of passive-aggressiveness — context and relationships matter. The key is to foster open, honest communication and strive for understanding.

Because whether we’re assertive, introverted, extroverted, or passive-aggressive, we’re all just trying to make ourselves heard in this vast sea of human interaction.