There’s a clear distinction between those who truly understand how to love and those who don’t.

The difference often boils down to empathy and understanding. Not knowing how to love often involves a lack of emotional depth, often masked by shallow actions.

Loving someone is about showing compassion, empathy, and understanding – not just going through the motions.

People who don’t know how to love exhibit certain traits that are clear indicators of their struggle. Keep reading to find out what these traits are.

Let’s get started. 

1) Emotional unavailability

One of the standout traits of those who don’t know how to love is emotional unavailability.

These are people who often seem distant, aloof, or detached in relationships. They may avoid deep emotional connections, often preferring surface-level interactions or avoiding intimacy altogether.

Emotional unavailability can be a defense mechanism, a way to protect oneself from the vulnerability that comes with love and deep connections. However, it often leaves their partner feeling neglected and unimportant.

When you’re emotionally unavailable, you’re not truly open to giving or receiving love. And that’s a clear sign that you don’t fully understand what it means to love someone.

Love is about opening up, being vulnerable, and connecting on a deep emotional level. Without that, it’s just going through the motions.

2) Inability to communicate effectively

Another common trait I’ve noticed in people who struggle with love is an inability to communicate effectively. Communication is at the heart of any strong relationship, and without it, love can’t fully flourish.

I remember being in a relationship where my partner simply couldn’t express what they were feeling. It was like pulling teeth to get them to open up about anything emotional. The conversations were always superficial, never venturing into the realm of feelings and emotions.

This lack of communication made me feel disconnected and unsupported. It was as if there was a wall between us, one that prevented us from truly understanding each other.

The truth is, if you’re unable to communicate your feelings effectively, it becomes nearly impossible for the other person to understand your needs and desires. And without that understanding, love can’t fully thrive.

3) Lack of empathy

People who don’t know how to love often exhibit a lack of empathy. Empathy, the ability to understand and share the feelings of another, is a vital component of love.

In contrast, those who struggle with love often find it hard to put themselves in the shoes of others. They might fail to understand their partner’s feelings, viewpoints, or emotional needs.

Without empathy, it’s difficult to create a deep emotional connection with another person. It’s like trying to navigate a foreign city without a map; you might get by for a while, but soon you’ll start feeling lost and disconnected.

4) Fear of commitment

Commitment can be a scary thing, particularly for those who don’t truly understand love. People who struggle with loving often exhibit a fear of commitment.

This fear can stem from various sources – past relationship traumas, personal insecurities, or even from witnessing failed relationships in their own families or friend circles.

Those with a fear of commitment often avoid long-term relationships or find ways to sabotage relationships when they start to become serious. This can lead to a pattern of short-lived, superficial relationships that lack depth and true connection.

Love, however, requires commitment. It’s about sticking together through thick and thin, supporting each other in good times and bad. Without commitment, love can’t fully bloom.

5) Inability to forgive

Forgiveness is a cornerstone of love. We all make mistakes, we all have our shortcomings and we all have our moments of weakness. To love someone is to understand this and to be able to forgive them when they falter.

Those who don’t know how to love often struggle with this. They hold onto grudges, nurse resentment, and let past mistakes cloud their present interactions.

Being unable to forgive is like carrying a heavy burden on your heart. It hinders connection, fosters negativity, and blocks the flow of love. It’s like trying to drive with the handbrake on; you might move forward, but not without a lot of unnecessary strain.

Love, though, is about letting go of that handbrake, forgiving the past and focusing on the journey ahead. It’s about understanding that we’re all human and that to err is part of our nature.

6) Using love as a bargaining chip

One of the most painful experiences I’ve had was being in a relationship where love was used as a bargaining chip. The idea that love was conditional and could be withdrawn if certain conditions were not met, was heartbreaking.

In that relationship, expressions of love, affection, and even time spent together were often contingent on my behavior. If I did something wrong or upset my partner in some way, the love would be withdrawn as a form of punishment.

This is not what true love is about. Love should never be used as a weapon or a tool for manipulation. It’s meant to be unconditional, consistent and freely given, not dependent on meeting certain criteria or used to control another person’s behavior.

7) Constantly seeking validation

People who don’t know how to love often seek constant validation from others. They need constant reassurance, compliments, and affirmations to feel worthy of love.

This constant need for validation can stem from insecurities or a lack of self-love. It’s as if they’re looking for others to fill a void within themselves, a void that can only truly be filled by self-love.

Love is about acceptance, both of oneself and of others. It’s about appreciating someone for who they are, without needing them to constantly prove their worth.

8) Lack of self-love

At the heart of understanding love is self-love. Those who don’t know how to love often struggle with loving themselves.

Self-love is about accepting, respecting, and valuing yourself for who you are. It’s about acknowledging your worth and not settling for less than you deserve.

Without self-love, it’s impossible to fully love another person. You can’t pour from an empty cup; you need to love yourself before you can truly love someone else.

If you notice someone lacking self-love, they might not fully understand what it means to truly love.

To conclude: Love is complex

The art of loving, like any art, takes time, practice, and a deep understanding of its nuances. It’s not something that can be forced or hurried; it often requires patience and introspection.

One cannot ignore the fact that love is inherently complex, multifaceted, and deeply personal. However, understanding the traits of those who struggle with love can shed light on the aspects that need attention and growth.

As psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” This acceptance, this self-love is where the journey to understanding love begins.

Whether it’s learning to communicate effectively, developing empathy, or overcoming the fear of commitment – the journey towards understanding love is a transformative one.

And remember, it’s never too late to learn how to love.