Navigating the intricacies of a relationship can feel like walking through a minefield – you never know when a wrong word can trigger an explosion.

Speaking from my years of experience as a relationship expert, and founder of Love Connection, I know that certain phrases can ignite conflict, foster resentment or simply hurt your partner’s feelings.

Psychology has a lot to teach us about communication in relationships.

There are certain things you should never say to your partner, no matter how heated the moment may be.

It’s about time we learn to navigate this minefield with care.

Remember, it’s not just what you say but how you say it.

1) “You always…” or “You never…”

In the heat of an argument, we often resort to exaggerations to make our point. Phrases like “You always do this” and “You never do that” are common, but they can be incredibly damaging to your relationship.

Psychologists refer to this as ‘absolute language’. It’s problematic because it leaves no room for exceptions or changes in behavior. It labels your partner in a way that can feel accusatory and unfair.

Let’s face it, no one always or never does anything. It’s simply not reflective of reality. And when we use these phrases, we’re not addressing a specific problem or behavior – we’re attacking our partner’s character.

Instead of saying “You always forget to take out the trash”, try something like “I noticed the trash hasn’t been taken out. Can you please remember to do it next time?”. This approach is less inflammatory and more solution-focused.

Avoid absolute language if you want to communicate effectively with your partner. It’s not just about being right, it’s about being kind and understanding.

2) “Why can’t you be more like…”

One thing I’ve learned in my years as a relationship expert is that comparisons are the quickest route to resentment. Telling your partner, “Why can’t you be more like…” is not only hurtful but also counterproductive.

Psychology tells us that everyone yearns for acceptance and validation, especially from a loved one. When we compare our partners to others, we’re essentially telling them they’re not good enough as they are. And that’s a surefire way to build walls instead of bridges.

As the great Audrey Hepburn once said, “Why change? Everyone has his own style. When you have found it, you should stick to it.” This applies to our partners too. They’re unique individuals with their own strengths and weaknesses, and they should be loved and appreciated for who they are.

When you find yourself wanting to compare your partner to someone else, remember Hepburn’s wise words and celebrate your partner’s uniqueness instead.

3) “If you loved me, you would…”

This phrase is a classic example of emotional manipulation, something I delve deeper into in my book, Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.

When you say, “If you loved me, you would…”, you’re essentially using your partner’s feelings for you as a bargaining chip to get what you want. This isn’t fair and can lead to resentment and mistrust.

In my book, I talk about the importance of clear communication in relationships. If you want or need something from your partner, it’s essential to express this openly and honestly, rather than resorting to emotional blackmail.

A healthy relationship is based on mutual respect and understanding, not manipulation. So next time you’re tempted to use this phrase, take a step back and find a more constructive way to express your needs.

4) “I’m fine.”

This might come as a surprise, but the phrase “I’m fine” is one you should definitely avoid using with your partner. While it may seem like a simple, harmless response, it often holds a deeper, unexpressed sentiment.

Psychology tells us that “I’m fine” is usually a mask for underlying feelings of frustration, disappointment, or hurt. It’s a way of shutting down communication, rather than opening it up.

When we say “I’m fine”, we’re not being honest with our partners about how we truly feel. This can lead to misunderstanding and feelings of disconnection in the relationship.

When you’re tempted to say “I’m fine”, take a moment and find the courage to express what you’re really feeling. It might be uncomfortable at first, but honesty is the key to a deeper and more fulfilling relationship.

5) “You’re overreacting.”

In my years of counseling couples, I’ve found that the phrase “You’re overreacting” is a common one. It’s often used in the heat of an argument, but it can be quite damaging.

When we tell our partner they’re overreacting, we’re invalidating their feelings. We’re dismissing their emotions and essentially telling them that their reaction is wrong or exaggerated.

Emotions are personal and subjective. What may seem like an overreaction to you could be a completely reasonable response from your partner’s perspective. By dismissing their feelings, we risk creating a communication barrier in our relationship.

Instead of accusing your partner of overreacting, try saying something like, “I can see you’re really upset about this. Can we talk about why you’re feeling this way?” This approach shows empathy and opens up a dialogue rather than shutting it down.

6) “I don’t care.”

This phrase is a dangerous one. Saying “I don’t care” during a disagreement or discussion can be like dropping a bomb in the conversation. It signals a lack of interest and respect for your partner’s feelings or opinions.

From my experience, I’ve found that people often use “I don’t care” as a defense mechanism when they’re feeling overwhelmed or attacked. But the message it sends to your partner is that their thoughts and feelings are insignificant to you.

If you find yourself wanting to use this phrase, it might be better to say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, can we take a break and continue this conversation later?” It’s okay to need space during a heated moment, but it’s crucial to communicate that in a respectful and considerate way.

The words we choose matter. They can either build bridges or create walls. Let’s aim for the former.

7) “Whatever.”

“Whatever” is a word that can be incredibly dismissive in the context of a relationship. In fact, it’s one of the phrases I often hear when couples come to me with communication problems.

It’s like saying “I don’t care” or “I’m not interested in what you have to say”. It shuts down meaningful conversation and leaves your partner feeling unheard and unimportant.

The wonderful Maya Angelou once said, “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” When you dismiss your partner’s words with a careless “whatever”, you’re essentially making them feel unimportant and disregarded.

When you’re tempted to roll your eyes and mutter “whatever”, remember Angelou’s wise words and choose a more respectful response.

8) “Maybe we should just break up.”

This phrase is one of the most damaging things you can say in a relationship. Threatening to end the relationship during a disagreement is not just hurtful, it’s destructive.

When we say “Maybe we should just break up”, we’re using the relationship itself as a weapon. It creates insecurity and instability, making it difficult for trust and intimacy to thrive.

If you’re genuinely considering ending the relationship, that’s a conversation that needs to be had calmly and respectfully, not thrown out in the heat of an argument.

Remember, words have power. Once said, they can’t be taken back. So think carefully before you speak, especially when emotions are running high.

Conclusion

Navigating the nuances of communication in a relationship isn’t easy, but being mindful of the words we use can make a world of difference. The phrases we’ve discussed today are common, but they can cause unnecessary hurt and misunderstanding.

It’s not just about avoiding what not to say—it’s also about learning to communicate in a way that’s respectful, understanding, and loving. If you’re interested in learning more about effective communication and overcoming unhealthy patterns in your relationship, I invite you to check out my book Breaking The Attachment: How To Overcome Codependency in Your Relationship.

Let’s strive for healthier communication in our relationships. After all, words have the power to build or break bonds. Let’s choose them wisely.