Empathy and emotional intelligence aren’t just buzz words – they’re the bedrock of meaningful connections. But not everyone’s got a firm grip on them.

Sometimes, people drop phrases that reveal a real shortage of these qualities. It’s like their words are broadcasting a “low EQ” alert!

Psychology helps us decode these signals. Identifying such phrases can be eye-opening, indicating where the person might need a little work on their interpersonal skills.

Here are ten phrases that hint at a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence, as per the lens of psychology.

Let’s dive in.

1) “I don’t care…”

In the realm of human relationships, expressions of indifference can be particularly damaging.

“I don’t care” is a phrase that, more often than not, signals a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. It’s like waving a red flag in a conversation, showing a disregard for the feelings or perspectives of others.

This dismissive attitude can create a barrier in communication. It stops conversations from progressing and people from connecting on a deeper level.

Renowned psychologist Carl Rogers once said, “When someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good!”

True empathy involves caring about the experiences of others and acknowledging their feelings. Using phrases like “I don’t care” often shows the opposite – an inability to comprehend or appreciate other people’s emotions.

2) “You’re too sensitive…”

Ah, the old “you’re too sensitive” line. I’ve been on the receiving end of this one more times than I care to remember. And let me tell you, it’s not a pleasant experience.

It’s a phrase that dismisses the feelings of others and places the blame on them for their reactions. It’s a classic sign of a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence.

I recall an instance where a close friend used this phrase during an argument. I expressed how her actions had hurt me, and instead of acknowledging my feelings, she responded with, “You’re just being too sensitive.” It felt like she was deflecting responsibility and invalidating my emotions.

Psychologist Daniel Goleman, known for his work on emotional intelligence, once said, “Empathy represents the foundation skill for all the social competencies important for work.” If someone resorts to using this phrase, they might need to work on their empathy skills.

3) “You always…” or “You never…”

Let’s talk about the absolutes – “You always…” or “You never…”. These phrases aren’t just inaccurate, they’re hurtful.

The truth is, using “always” or “never” feels like an attack. It puts the other person on the defensive, which doesn’t exactly pave the way for a healthy conversation.

Here’s the raw truth. I’ve been guilty of using these phrases in heated moments. And I’ve also been on the receiving end. Neither positions are pleasant, and they often escalate the tension instead of resolving it.

Legendary psychologist Abraham Maslow once said, “To the man who only has a hammer in his toolkit, every problem looks like a nail.”

These phrases are like hammers; they don’t fix anything, but they sure can cause damage.

The key to emotional intelligence is recognizing when we’re using such absolutes and making a conscious effort to express our frustrations more thoughtfully. After all, empathy isn’t about blaming, it’s about understanding.

4) “That’s just the way I am…”

Have you ever heard the phrase “That’s just the way I am…”?

It’s a phrase that, in many situations, can show a lack of emotional intelligence and empathy. It suggests an unwillingness to grow or change, despite how one’s actions may impact others.

I remember once having a disagreement with a colleague who had a habit of interrupting people. When confronted, his response was simply, “That’s just the way I am…” It felt dismissive, as if my feelings didn’t matter, or as if his behavior was set in stone and couldn’t be changed.

Famous psychologist Carol Dweck would probably categorize this as a “fixed mindset.” She once said, “In a fixed mindset, people believe their basic qualities, like their intelligence or talent, are simply fixed traits.” It’s an attitude that doesn’t leave much room for personal growth or improvement.

Emotional intelligence involves understanding the impact of our actions and being willing to adapt for the sake of positive interactions. 

5) “At least…”

Here’s a surprising one for you – “At least…”. At first glance, it might seem like a phrase that offers comfort, but it can often do the opposite.

The phrase “At least…” can be used to downplay someone’s feelings or experiences. For example, if someone shares a struggle and the response is “At least it’s not worse…”, it can feel dismissive and invalidating.

It reminds me of a time when I was going through a tough breakup. A friend responded with, “At least you didn’t have kids together.” While they meant well, it didn’t acknowledge the pain I was feeling at that moment. It felt like my experience was being minimized.

Psychologist Brene Brown has some wise words on this: “Empathy doesn’t require that we have the exact same experiences as the person sharing their story with us… Empathy is connecting with the emotion that someone is experiencing, not the event or the circumstance.”

In essence, emotional intelligence is about validating feelings, not comparing circumstances. 

6) “Calm down…”

“Calm down…” – two words that rarely achieve what they’re meant to. Instead of soothing, they often fan the flames.

Telling someone to “calm down” can come across as patronizing or dismissive. It implies that their emotions are not valid or that they’re overreacting. It’s a phrase that fails to empathize with the person’s emotional state.

While it’s important for each of us to manage our emotions, telling someone else to “calm down” is not a helpful approach. Instead, showing understanding and patience can be more beneficial in helping them regain their composure. This shows emotional intelligence and empathy at its best.

7) “I know exactly how you feel…”

On the surface, “I know exactly how you feel…” might seem empathetic, but it can actually be a misguided attempt at understanding others.

Even if you’ve gone through a similar situation, you can never truly know exactly how someone else is feeling. Each person’s emotional response is unique to their perspective, personality, and past experiences.

I recall sharing my struggle with anxiety with a friend. She quickly responded, “I know exactly how you feel.” While she meant well, I felt like my personal experience was being reduced to a common, understood phenomenon.

Carl Rogers, a prominent psychologist, once said, “An understanding of the other person’s situation from their own point of view should be one of our most fundamental goals.”

True empathy isn’t about assuming we know someone else’s feelings but about listening and striving to understand their unique experience. So when you hear “I know exactly how you feel…”, be cautious – it might indicate a lack of genuine empathy or emotional intelligence.

8) “It’s not a big deal…”

Here’s a stark truth – using the phrase “It’s not a big deal…” can be a glaring sign of lacking empathy and emotional intelligence.

When someone is upset or distressed, hearing “It’s not a big deal” can feel dismissive and hurtful. It’s as if their worries or feelings are being trivialized, which can make them feel misunderstood or alone.

I remember a time when I was facing some health issues. To me, it was a big deal. But a family member brushed it off, saying, “It’s not a big deal, you’re young and healthy.” That stung. It felt like my fears were being invalidated.

World-renowned psychologist Sigmund Freud once said, “Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways.” When someone is told their concerns are not a big deal, it can lead to suppressed emotions and potential future problems.

9) “That’s not how I remember it…”

Here’s something that might surprise you – the phrase “That’s not how I remember it…” can often indicate a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence.

Sure, memory can be tricky and people recall events differently. But when this phrase is used to counter someone’s feelings or experiences, it can feel invalidating.

Instead of acknowledging the other person’s perspective, it shifts the focus to your own recollection, which may not align with their emotional experience.

Our memories aren’t always accurate. So insisting on your version can dismiss the emotions tied to someone else’s memory.

10) “Whatever…”

Let’s talk about “Whatever…”. It’s a phrase that might seem harmless, but it can hold a significant weight in conversations.

“Whatever…” is often used as a verbal shrug, a way to end a conversation abruptly without acknowledging the other person’s perspective or feelings.

I remember a time when I was trying to resolve a conflict with a friend. Instead of engaging in the discussion, she ended it with a dismissive “whatever”. It felt like she was disregarding my feelings and our friendship.

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned psychologist known for his work on marital stability and relationship analysis, calls this kind of behavior “stonewalling”. He notes that it’s one of the major predictors of divorce.

While “whatever” might seem like an easy way out of an uncomfortable conversation, it can signal a lack of empathy and emotional intelligence. It’s always better to communicate openly and honestly, even when it’s difficult.